Duty and Sacrifice
by SnowHelm
Summary: The battle of Denerim had raged for days; but despite their best efforts, the Wardens and army had failed. The Archdemon remained undefeated and was turning Ferelden to ash. The few survivors of that fateful battle continue to strive to find a way to defeat their enemy. In the fight to survive, two men will come to understand the true meaning of love, duty and sacrifice. (AU)
1. What Should Have Been The End

_****__Disclaimer: __I do not own Dragon Age Origins / Awakenings / DA2 or any of its characters._

**xXx**

It had been a long war for Ferelden. The Wardens numbers were vastly diminished. The army of men, dwarfs and elves were defeated and barely a handful of troops remained. The Archdemon had been at the head of its army, but had kept tauntingly out of reach. None of the bordering countries had come to their aid other than to accept refugees, though thanks to the Darkspawn they had been few enough in number. The Darkspawn raids had been happening long before the Archdemon showed itself. Grabbing women and hauling them into their underground passageways. The Wardens had realised that during the fighting the female soldiers were initially avoided, only to be dragged into catacombs while the army was fully engaged. King Cailan had quickly ordered the evacuation of the women once the Wardens had reported vast networks of caves filled with brood mothers. It was an unending nightmare.

Duncan the Warden Commander had fallen in battle not long after Ostagar; having performed the Joining with a few more recruits before his untimely death, but taking the secret of the Joining with him. Alistair held tight to his heart Duncan's final words to him. "As long as one Warden survives there is hope." Alistair had reluctantly taken command of the few Wardens who still survived and in the months that followed; as he had seen friend and comrade fall he learnt how to make the hard decisions, how to make every loss count, how to push for every advantage, every victory. Each scar that marked his body told of his journey from raw recruit to a Warden Commander Duncan would have been proud of, or so Cailan kept telling him. Alistair had his doubts.

For his part King Cailan meant every word. He was grateful for Alistair's counsel and support and thought fondly of his brother. He had also become fond of his youngest brother Anders, though accepting a mage had been difficult. Loghain had opposed any public acknowledgement of either man and Cailan had reluctantly acquiesced to his wishes. Having a mage as a brother; even a half-brother as he was, could be too much of a destabilizing element in a country already on its knees. As death began to surround them on all sides Cailan came to realise how pointless their concerns had been.

Alistair and Anders shared the same parents, with Alistair barely a year older than Anders who had just turned twenty-one. The brothers had met when Alistair had journeyed to Kinloch Hold looking for support. Anders had been captured for the seventh time and was to be made tranquil. Alistair had heard rumours of the runaway mage from Isabela the Pirate Queen, an intimate friend of Zevran's. She had whispered in his ear that Anders would make a valuable asset, not to mention she was convinced he was a son of Maric. That had sparked Alistair's curiosity and he was more than happy to invoke the Right of Conscription, much to the Knight Commanders fury. They had cleaned out the Circle of its demons and restored order, but despite Alistair's best attempts Knight Commander Greagoir still called for the Circle to be annulled. He watched helplessly as those mages they had worked so hard to save were taken away. The Knight Commander had reminded him of his Templar duty and Alistair had snarled that if this was being what a Templar meant, he was ashamed of his training. Anders, Zevran and Leliana had pulled him out before they could come to blows.

Anders had basked in his first night of freedom and had tried not to laugh at the firm Warden Commander tripping over his words as he asked about his parents. It had been blatantly obvious to the others of their company that there was blood between them, but Anders remained non-committal. However when Alistair saved his life and almost died because of it Anders told him what he had been told, that his father had been King Maric and his mother was an elven Warden. Alistair had smiled, requesting that the next time he asked him a question that he not have to be badly wounded before getting an answer. Anders had grinned and clasped his arm, an unspoken bond forming between them.

It had amused Anders that his brother had been training to be a Templar before being recruited into the Wardens. The choice to be a Templar had not been of Alistair's making and Anders had learned that he was grateful to be recruited away from that life. Anders had been a little unnerved by how impressive his brothers Templar talents were, but given the effects on the Emissaries he found himself thankful on more than one occasion that Alistair had received such training. His affection for Cailan took longer to develop, in no small part to the fact that Cailan was hesitant to recognise their blood link. Anders was used to having no family and Cailan's distance did little to disturb him, but he knew it was eating away at Alistair and so he was civil. After so much death and destruction the chasm between them had reduced and spilling their blood together had bonded the three brothers in a way not even Loghain could undo.

They had made their last stand in Denerim. It had fallen with the Archdemon's victory and they now made camp in its ruins. The once stunning city was now rubble beneath their feet.

**xXx**

Cailan rolled back his shoulders trying to relieve himself of the cramp that ached in him day and night. He glanced at the men who looked as defeated as he felt. They were exhausted, battle weary and running out of supplies. All were weighed down with dark thoughts and Cailan knew he somehow had to find a way to keep them together.

Alistair was sitting in a chair; his head in his hands, exhausted and grief stricken. They had returned from another scouting trip having managed to destroy a nest of three brood mothers, all had once been Wardens. Alistair had stopped recruiting women when he had taken command, but those female Wardens who were in Ferelden had refused to leave. Alistair had argued; commanded and finally begged them to leave, but each was loyal to the cause and refused. All were now dead; including the woman he had been falling in love with, Elissa Cousland. She had saved her twin Aedan from an ogre and paid for it with her life. Alistair couldn't get the faces of Marhi, Reenia and Trenna out of his mind. He remembered their laughter, their strength and their loyalty. He shuddered, no one deserved that fate and that knowledge was the only thing keeping him going. He had to find a way to stop this, he wouldn't allow himself to fail anyone else.

Loghain leaned against the table staring at a map, though his eyes did not see it. He had no idea what to do. Each strategy had failed them; each battle plan had fallen into dust. They had been reduced to brief raids to try and destroy the brood mothers, but it was slow going. He was furious that they had remained unaided. His own daughter had married the Emperor of Orlais and she had answered none of his correspondence and pleas for support. He had even swallowed his pride and gone with a small detail not long after the massacre at Ostagar and then again after the defeat at Denerim, but he had been refused entry at the border. His country was in ashes and he was helpless to stop it. He glared at the Warden Commander not bothering to hide his anger and disgust.

The Hawke brothers Garrett and Carver stood to the far side of the room; covered in blood and streaked with mud, war having bonded them in ways they had never thought possible. They had managed to get their mother and sister Bethany on a ship out of Ferelden, Isabela had taken as many people as she could hold on her ship. They tried not to think about the number of ships the Archdemon had set on fire, praying that they had escaped, but if anyone could outrun the Blight it would be Isabela. Garrett used the last of his mana to heal a large wound on his brother's arm and sat down exhausted. They had been Wardens for little over a year and it had taken its toll. Now two of the only three Wardens left in Ferelden, they carried the devastating knowledge that for the Archdemon to be defeated one of them would have to sacrifice their life. The conflict between the brothers had fallen away as they sought support from each other to deal with the horrific nightmares and the life they had chosen. Hawke often reflected that if people knew the price it took to be a Warden, no-one but the insane would join the order. Carver had pointed out that after the year they had just had, he doubted any of them were still sane.

Oghren was looking out of what had once been a window, gazing at the blue sky wondering that a dwarf could get so used to something so strange. He flexed his arm looking at the newly acquired wound, a dubious gift from Reenia as she had tried to beat the life out of him. He shuddered at the memories of what the Wardens had become. He knew Alistair was taking it hard and that nothing any of them said would take his guilt, but he still wished for the words to ease his pain. Oghren had become very fond of the Warden Commander in their travels and despite what that pompous Loghain thought, he and most of those who travelled with them would follow Alistair into the Void itself if he asked.

**xXx**

Sten as usual was watching the skies. His keen sight had warned them of the Archdemon's approach on more than one occasion. He paced through the rubble, his mind ill at ease. Their recent mission had left Alistair in more turmoil than usual; it was not a trend he approved of. He had spoken to Alistair after they had left the tunnels, seeking to ascertain his state of mind. Alistair had gripped his arm and smiled warmly, but the warmth did not reach his eyes and Sten had grown concerned for his friend. He shook his head, even now thinking it strange to call Alistair such. Yet the Warden Commander had gone out of his way to return Asala his soul to him and such an act could not be easily dismissed. Sten had grown to recognise the strength of the young Commander and approved of his seeking advice, but the decisions were always his and he took that responsibility seriously. Sten glanced at the ruins of the once great City; Alistair had earned his respect, something that certain others of rank had yet to obtain.

**xXx**

Anders and Zevran shifted their heavy load between them. They had been on a raiding mission to see what supplies they could forage; particularly lyrium, though they had not been hopeful any had been left, while their companions had gone on the scouting mission. Zevran's sharp eyes picked out a covered box in the corner of the Chantry and they carefully put down their chest, Zevran moving over to investigate. Anders watched Zevran with a smile on his face; drinking in his graceful stride and the wicked grin as Zevran glanced over his shoulder, aware Anders was watching him.

Anders sat on the chest as Zevran rummaged in the box, his flirting curtailed as his thoughts moved to his brothers and the rest of their assorted group. "I hate the Deep Roads, but I hate not knowing what's happening to them even more."

Zevran flashed him a charming smile. "What Darkspawn could hope to withstand Sten's Asala; or Oghren's stench, or the Great Loghain's scowl?"

Anders chuckled. "They are a force to be reckoned with."

Zevran gave up hope of finding anything useful in the box and returned to Anders, tilting the mages face so their eyes met. "Alistair will return with them caro."

"I hope so Zev; he barely sleeps anymore, he's losing himself to this grief."

"We shall not let him." Anders sighed as Zevran pressed his forehead to his. "Come; let us return with our find. It may even put a smile on Loghain's face."

"And the Archdemon may give up and go home. My bet would be on the Archdemon first."

Zevran chuckled gripping Anders arm and pulling him to his feet. "Then let us put a smile on your brother's face instead."

**xXx**

Cailan breathed a sigh of relief as Anders and Zevran entered the building carrying a large chest between them. They had hit the jackpot with finding a hidden cache of lyrium, healing potions and other medical supplies, but even so they would have to be carefully rationed.

Anders grinned at Cailan and Alistair, relieved to see his brothers. Cailan clasped his arm and Alistair just hugged him. Anders realised something was wrong when Alistair sagged against him. He helped his brother back to his chair and pulled aside his armour; raging at him as a blood soaked tunic was revealed, a sodden bandage beneath it. Alistair sighed and leaned back as Anders began to heal him.

"This is not a scratch Alistair!" Anders hissed at his brother's attempts to distract him from yelling at him. Alistair closed his eyes and drifted, moments later being shaken back to consciousness. "Stay awake Alistair." Anders was commanding. Alistair tried to focus, but felt himself drifting again. For one brief moment he thought he saw Elissa, her soft voice telling him it wasn't his time yet. He groaned and forced himself to open his eyes. Cailan was forcing liquid passed his lips and Alistair spluttered though managed to swallow most of it.

"Enough." He gasped. "I'm fine."

"Pull a stunt like that again and you will not be fine!" Cailan warned, his fear making him angry.

"We did not have the supplies; there was no point in saying anything until they got back."

Carver was looking at him fiercely. "My arm could have waited, you should have said something!"

"Fine, next time I will say something." Carver was not appeased and continued to glare at him. Garrett nudged him; knowing full well the extent of his younger brothers feelings for their young Commander, although Alistair was still too wrapped in his grief over Elissa to realise.

"What now?" Oghren grunted, eyeing Alistair in concern. Since Elissa's death he had become more likely to risk himself and it was not a trend Oghren wished him to continue.

The men looked at each other; there was no great strategy; no stunning plan, there was only survival and the hopes that they would get lucky and kill the Archdemon before it set its sights elsewhere.

_**xXx**_

_**Author Note:**_

_This is just a story that has been running around my head for a while, so I've finally started to write it. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. Reviews are always appreciated. _


	2. Goodbyes

King Cailan held a war council with the few people he had left. "Our supplies have been replenished, but that is little use to us without a plan."

Alistair shifted slightly, wincing in discomfort. "Brother, it is time to move on. We should join with those at Soldiers Peak."

Loghain growled and slammed his fist on the table. "This is Denerim!" He said angrily. "The jewel of Ferelden! You just expect us to leave!"

Alistair sighed. "I know what Denerim was Loghain. What it is now is a pile of rubble. I don't like it any more than you do, but there is nothing else we can do here. We are too few."

Anders and Zevran glanced at each other, knowing Alistair had been trying to convince Loghain and Cailan to leave for several weeks now.

Cailan sighed and sat down. "Yes we should leave, but..." He hung his head rubbing his forehead. "Many loved one's died here." Cailan stopped and sighed again.

Alistair clenched his fist and Anders saw the strength it took for him not to snap. "We will not honour them by dying as well."

Cailan turned to his brother; taking in the lines of worry, the deep scar that ran from his jaw down his throat that had almost killed him. Alistair was weighed down by grief and responsibility, no less than himself. Cailan remembered the joking young man he had met at Ostagar that seemed a lifetime ago. The man who used humour to hide his feelings; now tended to use silence, war having scarred his soul perhaps more than his body. Cailan turned to Loghain. "We have gathered what supplies there are in the city we move out at dawn."

"Cailan!"

"That is my decision."

Loghain glared at Alistair. " Hardly."

"Loghain enough!"

Alistair gave a low hiss as he rose from the chair, his arm cradling his injured side. He bowed and left the building needing fresh air. He walked through the rubble, wandering broken streets remembering when they had fought bandits to get enough coin to upgrade their armour and weapons in their quest to get Ferelden off its arse and save itself. He heard Leliana's laughter as she and Zevran had teased Elissa about her first kiss with the Warden Commander. He remembered those emerald eyes glancing back to him, a smile curving her sensuous lips. He had grinned like a fool in the first flush of love and he felt as though he was walking on air. Alistair moved towards the Chantry and the small section they had turned into a memorial garden of sorts. Tears slipped down his cheeks as he knelt at the markers. He whispered a prayer to the Maker for each of his fallen friends. Leliana; Wynne and Elissa, so brave, so foolish. They had refused to leave and death had claimed them one by one. "We are leaving my friends." He whispered softly. "You had such faith in me and I failed you, but I swear until there is no breath left in my body I will keep fighting." He turned sharply hearing soft footfalls, standing and wiping the tears savagely from his face as Carver stood nearby.

"It's the right decision."

Alistair nodded. "If it is not no doubt Loghain will make sure I know about it."

"The man's an arse."

"He's a man trying to save his country."

"Same as the rest of us, though we don't bitch like ..."

"Carver!"

Carver gave a restless sigh. "Fine, but it wouldn't hurt for the man to crack a smile once in a while." His eyes locked on Alistair whose gaze had returned to the markers. "It's been awhile since you've smiled." His words were so quiet he almost hoped Alistair didn't hear, fearful of his Commanders reaction.

Alistair felt the pain rise up pounding against his chest desperate to escape and find some relief. He swallowed the howl of grief that was almost choking him. Taking it out on Carver would be petty and he had no desire to hurt the younger man. "Perhaps tomorrow." He whispered, choked with emotion and tears that he could barely hold back. He shuddered as Caver's hand rested lightly on his shoulder and he wrenched himself away, too close to breaking down to dare accept the man's comfort.

Carver drew back his hand as though he had been scalded. He backed off, but instead of returning to their makeshift base camp he climbed what little was left of the battlements. From his position he could see Alistair without being seen himself. He saw the Commander reach his arm out blindly to the wall; slumping against it, falling to his knees moments later, his shoulders shuddering. Carver felt his heart clench that Alistair would not seek comfort from anyone. He watched over him until the shadows lengthened and finally the Commander wove his way back through the streets, his mask firmly back in place.

**xXx**

Cailan sat at the one surviving tree in the palace garden; her favourite tree, the place he had buried the ashes of his Queen, a deep sigh leaving his lips. "I do not know why I come here love; I know you are not here, but are sitting at the Makers side. I suppose it brings me a small measure of comfort; but the time for comfort has passed and Alistair is right, we must move on if we are to have any hope of destroying the Archdemon. There is little of Ferelden left to save, but we are the line between this monster and the rest of Thedas and I will not see our world turned to ash. Watch over me beloved, I will carry you always in my heart."

Cailan rose to his feet; his footsteps leaden as he walked away, glancing back seeing the faint outline of a woman, rich brown hair and hazel eyes, that warm smile. Cailan shook his head believing it a trick of the light, but whatever it was his heart and step was lighter as he returned to the ruin they were camped in.

**xXx **

Zevran leaned against the broken column; flicking his dagger into the air, catching it almost lazily. His eyes locked on the approaching Commander, his sharp eyes having observed Carver. He would encourage the young Hawke if he thought it would bring Alistair out of the depression and hard shell he was creating around himself. Maker knew the Commander could do with some diversion. He nodded as Alistair passed, a shiver moving through him at how cold Alistair seemed. There was a time when he had flirted outrageously, eager to join Alistair in his bed. He was never successful, though his flirting and teasing led to an unexpected friendship with the Commander. Zevran for the first time had felt safety and trust in another and enjoyed the warmth of those hazel eyes when they rested on him; now there was no warmth, no joking, blushing or stumbling his way through Zevran's flirtations. Zevran had not stood in the way of Alistair hardening; knowing the necessity, but there were times when he would give anything to see Alistair the way he had been, before death and grief and responsibility had imprisoned him. He smiled as an arm curled around his waist, a warm body pressing against his back. Soft lips pressed to his temple before a wicked tongue darted against the shell of his ear. Zevran turned his head slightly smiling at the grinning mage. "Ah Anders, you truly are a delight caro."

Anders tilted his head, frowning slightly. "You're troubled."

"These are troubled times."

"Zev, what's wrong?"

Zevran sighed and turned to face his lover. "I worry for the Commander. He is ….. not himself."

"Alistair is doing the best he can Zev."

"That I do not doubt and despite some suggestions to the contrary I believe he is placing us on the right course. However some of his actions of late have been disturbing, he is too quick to put himself in harm's way."

Anders rested his chin on Zevran's shoulder, glancing in the direction his brother had gone. "I'm worried too, since Elissa died it's almost as though there is nothing in his life except the fight."

"I think we may need to take steps to remind Alistair the reasons we are fighting." Zevran caught Anders hand bringing it to his lips.

Anders smiled. "Perhaps Carver can put a smile on his face. Maybe we could find ways to make sure those two spend some time together."

Zevran chuckled at the wicked glint in Anders eyes. "You are a wicked man."

"Isn't that why you love me?"

"No caro, tu eres mi luz en la oscuridad." Anders flushed, gazing deep into Zevran's eyes. "That is why I love you."

Anders trembled. "I can't believe how lucky I am to have you in my life." He whispered, swallowing hard against the lump forming in his throat.

Zevran leaned closer; grazing his lips against his lovers, smiling at the soft moan that left the mages lips. "I believe I am the lucky one caro. Now come, let us shield the Commander from the tyranny of the Teyrn."

**xXx**

Alistair's gaze rested on the map, tracing the route to Soldiers Peak. The Imperial Highway would provide a more direct route, but moving cross country might provide them with more cover and less chance of being spotted by the Darkspawn. He sighed; it really didn't matter which route they took, the place was crawling with the monsters and they would have to fight their way there either way. He felt Loghain's presence before the Teyrn spoke, steeling himself against the barrage of hate that would surely follow. Visiting the markers had left him vulnerable, unhealed wounds wide open to the Teyrn's vicious prodding.

"How many of us do you plan to sacrifice to ensure _you_ reach Soldiers Peak?" Loghain hissed.

Alistair remained silent; he refused to be baited and continued to search out the safest route.

"We nearly lost the King once because of your actions." Loghain continued to hiss in a voice low enough so only he could hear. "Not to mention those actions costing the Queen her life."

_Alistair shuddered, hearing the awful screech of Darkspawn as they had poured into the building. Days earlier Cailan had begged Delilah to leave; or at least to go with her brother Nathaniel to the more fortified position of Soldiers Peak, but she had refused to leave her husband's side. She had been a brave woman in many ways and not even her father's insistence could persuade her. He remembered the hiss of the Alpha, using his own body as a shield for Cailan who was in fierce combat with a Genlock. There had been the whistle of arrows and Leliana voice rising about the clash of steel as she yelled for him. Alistair had driven his sword into the Alpha's throat; turning and running towards the room the Queen was in, yelling at Cailan to follow. _

_Leliana and Wynne were fighting off the Darkspawn, looking up in relief as Alistair ploughed his way through them, shielding Delilah as a volley of arrows rained down on them. He had hissed in pain with the second volley; as an arrow found a soft spot in his armour at the leg, but he barely noticed, his attention held by the strangled gasp behind him and Delilah's body falling to the floor an arrow embedded in her throat. Time had ceased to exist, he was suspended in a darkness he could not break from. He saw Wynne fall to her knees, the familiar blue glow of her hands and then her voice penetrated, he had to defend them. He span, his blade blocking the blow of a Hurlock before he smashed his shield into its face and left it dead. The wave of Darkspawn seemed unending and when they were finally defeated Alistair sank to his knees in exhaustion, wincing at the pain in his leg that by this point was burning. _

_Cailan was helped into the room having suffered a variety of wounds in the fight. Loghain was furious that Alistair had left his side. Wynne had done all she could, but it had not been enough and Alistair still saw his brothers reaction in his nightmares as Cailan let out a howl of grief clutching his wife's body tight to him, unashamed as he wept for his lost love. _

_Wynne had moved to tend to Alistair's wound, but Loghain had stopped her. "See to your King first." That decision had led to Alistair lapsing into a fever that left him delirious and on the brink of death for two days._

Alistair let out a low defeated sigh. "I am aware Loghain that I proved myself inadequate that day. If you are trying to make me feel worse about what happened then let me tell you now that is impossible. I tried to save her and I failed. Nothing I can do will change that."

"That seems to be the legacy of your command, inadequacy!"

Alistair clenched his fists and stared up at Loghain, anger burning through him. "Enough Loghain, your sniping will not change the past. We must concentrate on what we can do now!"

"Convenient! I do not have the luxury of being able to turn off my emotions."

Alistair felt a heat so intense move through him he wondered if his blood was boiling. Grief clawed at his throat and he slammed his fist against the table; grabbing Loghain and throwing him up against the wall, ignoring the throb of the wound as it reopened, the sensation of warmth and wet trickling down his side. "You will hold your tongue Loghain. I may not have your respect, but I'm damn well not going to listen to your poison. Stay away from me." Alistair released the startled Teyrn and moved out of the building storming passed Anders and Zevran who had just entered, Carver's eyes wide as he hurried after the Commander.

Anders turned to Loghain hatred in his eyes; desperate to say something, anything that would hurt the Teyrn, instead he nudged Zevran and they went after Alistair, Garrett moving with them.

Oghren waited until the room was empty before standing and walking over to Loghain. "You're playing a dangerous game Loghain. If I were you I wouldn't want the Commander as an enemy."

Loghain scowled. "He is nothing more than a foolish boy."

"He's done more for this fight then you; you might want to remember that."

**xXx**

Alistair had no idea where he was going, but found himself in the ruins of Arl Eamon's estate. His side was throbbing and he sat down with his back to what was left of a wall. He allowed the grief to build up wanting it to burst out and leave him empty, the way Loghain saw him. He choked on his emotion as he heard footsteps; stuffing it back within him, clutching his chest as it felt physically painful. He wanted to choke Carver when he came into sight, but seeing only concern in his eyes he swallowed the brutal words he had been about to speak. "People will start to think you're following me." He muttered instead.

Carver flushed slightly, shifting uneasily from one foot to another. "I just ... I simply ... I mean I just wanted to make sure you are okay."

Alistair looked up. "We are in a destroyed city; with a country in no better shape, with only a handful of people against an army of monsters. I had to kill my friends today and Loghain kindly reminded me of my other failures. So no, I'm not okay!" Leaning his head back against the stone Alistair closed his eyes. He opened them again a second later. "I'm sorry Carver, I shouldn't have said that. I'm fine, just a little tired and sore."

"You don't always have to be strong." Carver murmured sitting next to him, bracing his back against the wall.

Alistair turned his head to look at him, almost smiling. In another life he would have tried to court the younger Hawke; had even thought about it in those early days, but he had been swept along with Elissa and events had taken a different course. His grief for Elissa was deep, but more because she had been his friend. He had been falling in love with her there was no doubt about that, but she had been honest about why she had been with him and it was not love that had brought her to his side. "Yes Carver, I do."

"No-one can be strong all of the time." Carver insisted.

Alistair didn't have the strength to argue and simply sat, allowing himself a few brief moments to enjoy the presence of the man sitting next to him. Carver moved slightly accidently knocking him and Alistair shocked himself with his cry of pain.

Carver stared at him wide eyed, before almost forcibly removing Alistair's breastplate. "Damn it Alistair do you want to die!"

Alistair glanced at the blood and sighed leaning his head back against the wall. "Carver would you mind getting my brother, I'm not convinced I should move."

Carver was on his feet scrabbling over stones in his haste, grateful when he almost ran straight into Anders.

"Any idea where my elusive brother is?"

Carver simply gripped his arm and almost dragged him back to Alistair who gave Anders the look that said 'don't start'.

Anders managed to hold his tongue and with Garrett's help given they were both exhausted managed to heal the wound completely, leaving a sizable scar. "Sorry about the scar."

Alistair shrugged, his fingers unconsciously drifting to the scar that swept from his jaw down his throat and curved across his collarbone. "Makes no difference."

"I remember a time when it mattered." Zevran teased softly. "When you were put out if your hair was out of place."

Alistair chuckled; something he had not done for a long time, his face softening. "I was a bit obsessed with my hair wasn't I."

"As I recall you were most put out when Morrigan managed to singe it."

Alistair shook his head, feeling grief slam into him again. "Maker for as much as we fought I miss the damn witch."

Zevran settled next to him. "She certainly added a certain something to the group, no."

"And she was bloody good at putting Loghain in his place." Anders grinned.

Alistair shivered. "I could never understand why she apologised to me when she was the one dying. It was as though there was something she was supposed to do that she never got the chance to."

Zevran patted his hand gently. "Such thoughts will lead to madness Alistair; tomorrow we leave for Soldiers Peak, let us pray the Maker grants us a safe journey."

Alistair closed his eyes, fervently begging the Maker not to let him lose anyone else.

**xXx**

_**Author Note: **__Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. _

_Tu eres mi luz en la oscuridad - You are my light in the dark. (This translation is from the internet so my apologies if it is incorrect). _


	3. Road To The Peak

They had managed to salvage a cart, which was more than big enough to store their equipment and supplies and they had even managed to round up a stray horse that hadn't been slaughtered by the Archdemon or Darkspawn. Cailan had stared at the horse longingly, being much more used to riding than walking. Alistair gave him the stern look he seemed to have perfected that made the King suddenly feel grateful he had feet on which to walk and he averted his gaze from the horse.

The day was bright though cold, winter was approaching and Alistair wanted to be at Soldiers Peak before the first snow arrived, which could be any day now. However for the moment the sky was blue; the road clear and they travelled in amicable silence, apart from the tight scowl Loghain permanently wore directed at Alistair, which the Commander ignored.

Alistair suddenly stopped the group, before giving the signal Darkspawn were close. They had barely unsheathed their weapons when the ground burst open around them.

Anders hit the first wave with a blast of fire that sent them screeching in the opposite direction before they became flaming missiles, hurled by an ogre that lumbered into view. Anders let out a string of curses before changing tact and using ice and rock to freeze and smash as many Darkspawn as he could.

Oghren had given a mighty roar and along with Sten they had charged forward; axe and sword cleaving limbs at a terrifying rate. Alistair drew in his energy and directed a Smite at the Emissary, before driving his sword through its chest as it stumbled about in a daze.

Loghain and Cailan were dealing with the group of hurlocks that were hitting them from behind; Zevran seemed to be everywhere in the fight at once, his daggers flashing, his victims falling, dead before they hit the ground.

Carver and Garrett were dealing with two shrieks that had moved from flanking the ogre, that was now throwing dead Darkspawn. It was a disturbing sight, particularly as Garrett had already been knocked from his feet by a Darkspawn torso thrown with astonishing accuracy. He stunned the shrieks with his force magic; while Carver introduced them to the lethality of his blade, his body twisting sharply to avoid their claws.

Oghren gave a roar of pain as a blade sank through his armour, biting into his arm. He pulled on his berserker rage and drove his axe upwards tearing apart the Darkspawns chest. He felt the tingle of magic and flexed his arm giving Garrett a nod of thanks. Anders was also busy healing what wounds he could before he downed a lyrium potion as a second wave of Darkspawn hurtled towards them. Their company were few in number, but there was no denying their skills and they slowly began to drive the Darkspawn back.

Carver turned startled as Hawke and Alistair yelled at him to watch out. He saw the ogre and then felt the impact of Alistair's body against his own, hitting the ground the breath driven from his lungs. Carver glanced up in time to see those blighted fingers wrapping around Alistair. "Maker no!"

Alistair was finding it hard to breath. He heard an ominous crack and judging by the sharp pain he knew at least one of his ribs had cracked. He felt the tang of magical discharge around him and heard several curses; before the constriction eased and he was dropped to the ground as the ogre stumbled backwards, Asala buried in its chest, its head removed by the sweeping arc of Oghren's axe. Alistair tried to stand, but nausea swamped him and the pain was so intense his legs refused to hold him. He realised Garrett was dragging him to one side, Carver attacking any Darkspawn that came near them. Alistair silently cursed himself. "Go, I'll be fine." He hissed.

Carver darted forward pushing back the Darkspawn, Garrett placing a repulsion glyph around Alistair before he moved to his brother's side. Alistair saw the Genlock out of the corner of his eye, his fingers tightening around the dagger Zevran had insisted he keep with him. The Genlock was creeping towards Carver and Alistair felt possessiveness and a desperation to keep the Warden alive, that had nothing to do with defeating the Archdemon. He flicked the dagger as Zevran had shown him; giving out a cry of pain as his injured ribs protested sharply at the movement, relieved to see the Genlock fall to the ground, the dagger embedded in its skull.

The clash of steel ended abruptly and Alistair realised he must have passed out as it was dark and he was laying on a bedroll near a fire. With a groan he managed to sit up, Anders moving to his side making him drink some disgusting concoction.

"Do you have a death wish?" Anders muttered angrily.

Alistair gazed at him wearily. "It got lucky that's all."

"You were only just getting over an injury you bloody fool; you should have left the ogre to us." Alistair could feel the swell of anger within him and swallowed it remaining silent. Anders however was no fool and noticed the strain on his brothers face and the tension in his body. "I just worry about you." Anders tone became gentle.

Alistair glanced up, the anger draining. "I wasn't going to let them get Carver, besides I'm alive no harm done."

Anders caught the almost tender tone and wondered if it was possible that his brother would open his heart again. "Apart from two cracked ribs and some internal bleeding."

"Nothing you couldn't sort out brother."

"I'm good; but you're still going to be sore for a few days."

Alistair nodded; it was nothing he wasn't used to. "Casualty report."

Anders frowned and then decided he would get no peace until he told him. "Mostly just a few superficial cuts; Zev took a nasty blow to the head, but he's recovering." Anders smiled at the look of relief on his brother's face knowing he had a deep affection for their assassin. "Loghain took an arrow to the leg, I left him until last."

"Anders!"

"That was the least of the more dangerous wounds and he made you wait."

Alistair gave him a tired look. "And you brother?"

Anders shrugged. "Mana exhaustion, no more than usual." A wave of guilt moved through Alistair and as usual he drove it back down to torment him when he was alone. Anders patted his shoulder gently. "I'll go get you some food." He slipped away, but Alistair was sleeping when he returned.

**xXx**

Their journey went a lot slower from that point. Alistair could bear an alarming amount of pain; but he was clearly struggling, a fact Loghain muttered loudly about every time they stopped. Alistair bore it in silence, conserving his energy simply to keep moving.

Oghren was not one to fight Alistair's battles for him, but Loghain was getting on his nerves. He commented loudly to the Hawke brothers that Loghain might find himself brought down to size by his axe through his legs. Carver replied just as loudly that he would pay to see that. Loghain was quiet for some time, but as night fell and they huddled around a small fire he began to mutter again.

Alistair glanced up; exhausted, in pain, but on the edge of losing his temper completely. "What in the Void is your problem Loghain?"

Loghain glared at him standing up so he was towering above Alistair. "You are my problem! You are a boy playing Commander and you have made poor choices."

"Are you referring to something specific?"

"How about the ridiculous fiasco at Fort Drakon that got most of your remaining Warden's killed? That ended in our army being slaughtered."

Alistair paled and stood with considerable effort. "I didn't hear you coming up with a better plan!"

"The mighty Wardens are supposed to know how to deal with Darkspawn and Archdemons!" Loghain roared. "Because of _you_ Denerim fell. Because of _you_ the Queen and Elissa Cousland are dead, not to mention the fate of your female Wardens! Because of _you_ Ferelden is lost!"

Alistair staggered back as though Loghain had hit him. Words swarmed his mind; but nothing made sense and even if it had, his tongue seemed frozen and he doubted he could make a sound.

"Loghain stop this!" Cailan gasped in horror. "None of that was Alistair's fault. It was no-ones fault. We are at war."

Loghain sneered at Alistair, his look one of contempt. "Maric would be ashamed of you!" He reeled back in shock as a fist impacted against his jaw, but it was not from Alistair.

Instead Anders stood between them; his chest heaving, his eyes wide, his jaw clenched in rage. "Before you start casting accusations you might want to look at your own behaviour oh Hero of Riverdane! Where were you when we were trying to bring the country together and convince them we were in a Blight? Where were you when we had to solve problem after problem just to get support? Where were you when the Archdemon destroyed village after village? You were in Denerim, sitting on your arse waiting for your daughter to bring an army, an army that never came! If Maric would be ashamed of anyone it would be you!"

Loghain's hand moved to his sword; but Zevran slipped to Anders side, his daggers drawn. "I suggest you rethink what you are about to do Loghain." The assassin and Teyrn glared at each other before he turned and stormed off to his tent.

Anders let out a low breath. "Thanks Zev."

"My pleasure caro."

Anders turned to Alistair to find he wasn't there. "Where's he gone now?" He spluttered.

"He headed towards the stream when Zevran made the Teyrn back down." Carver murmured.

Anders rubbed his temples. "Carver make yourself useful and go make sure my brother isn't causing himself more injury."

**xXx**

Carver moved to the edge of the stream, keeping Alistair in his line of sight who was sitting on the bank staring at the water. Carver remained silent startled when he heard Alistair speaking softly.

"He's right. He's a complete bastard, but the man has a point."

Carver moved closer and sat down on the bank frowning. "Alistair the man's an idiot!"

Alistair allowed the whisper of a smile to curl his lips, which sent a wave of heat through Carver's body, before his face darkened with anger and grief. "So many killed. I should have found another way."

"What other way was there? The bloody thing can fly, it was the tallest building and you used yourself as bait! I doubt any strategy his magnificence could have thought up would have ended any different."

Alistair shuddered as he heard the screams of the dying; could almost taste the magic in the air, heard again the taunts of the Archdemon in his mind. "I was desperate and hoped we could end it. I threw everything we had at it and it wasn't enough. We were outmanned and I was outmatched."

Carver remained silent, it was rare for Alistair to speak so much and rarer still for him to speak of what had happened. He wanted to comfort him in any way the Commander would accept; but he didn't dare move any closer, Alistair was closed to him and he was never sure what would help him.

Alistair picked up a stone, feeling its smooth surface beneath his calloused fingers. "I should have protected her. I should have protected all of them."

Carver sighed presuming he was referring to Elissa. "She was protecting her brother, you couldn't have stopped her."

"I should have found a way."

"Alistair damn it you have to stop this. I'm sorry Elissa died, but you didn't die with her!"

Alistair swallowed hard, his gaze remaining fixed on the water. "I'm not so sure."

Carver paled and reached out; his hand freezing before making contact, his fingers curling into a fist as he pulled his hand back. "Trust me Alistair you're alive. Maybe you should think about acting like it."

Alistair was startled by the anger in Carver's voice, the tension in his body and the hunch of his shoulders as he got to his feet and walked back to camp. Alistair felt a familiar tightening of his stomach as he watched the warrior leave. He turned back to the water and angrily threw the stone, ignoring the pain, watching it skim the surface before sinking. Alistair bowed his head; his feelings for his fellow Warden had to be like the stone, unseen from the surface no matter the continuing ripples beneath.

**xXx**

The following days were filled with an uncomfortable silence that seemed to swamp them all. The Darkspawn attacks were relentless and Loghain began to voice on a regular basis how foolish it had been to leave Denerim.

Alistair took his anger out on the Darkspawn; ignoring the pain of his injuries, using it to give him the strength and will to keep going. He threw out a Smite at an Emissary and watched it stumble away, giving chase. He caught up to it swiftly driving his sword through it and watching as it writhed on the ground. Alistair grabbed it and drove his fist into its face again and again, trying to release the murderous rage that had been building in him for days. He finally threw the body to the floor in disgust; backing away before turning, his eyes meeting Carvers, Zevran standing beside him.

Carver had frozen, staring wide eyed as his Commander continued to hit the already dead Darkspawn. He heard the words he was not even sure Alistair was aware he was saying. Raging at the Maker that he had lived when so many others more worthy than him had been killed. Zevran had gripped Carvers arm to still him, giving Alistair the opportunity to work it out. As Alistair turned; Carver saw the darkness of his eyes, the battle rage and realised he was shaking, grateful that Zevran was with him.

Alistair forced himself to take a calming breath. "We should get back to the others."

Carver and Zevran fell into step with him, no further words passing between them. The others were ready to move on, wounds having been dealt with. They were less than a day from Soldiers Peak and hopefully relative safety. They set off; nerves on edge, blades unsheathed, there would be no more rest until they reached the Peak.

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. I'd love to get your thoughts so far. _


	4. Soldiers Peak

Soldiers Peak was an impressive building and Alistair was relieved when they eventually exited the seemingly endless route through a cave system that was apparently the only way to reach it. He had shivered as they finally reached their destination; snow covered the courtyard, winter had come early to the mountains. He felt a flutter of relief when Nathaniel Howe and Fergus Cousland hurried down the steps to greet them, they at least had survived.

"Thank the Maker." Nathaniel gasped, gripping Cailan's arm and pulling his brother in law into a firm hug. Cailan clapped his back equally relieved to see his friend.

Fergus nodded to the King and cast a warm glance to Alistair who as usual was avoiding his look. Fergus sighed; some things apparently did not change. He clapped Anders back, winking mischievously at Zevran and trading insults with Oghren who thought him alright for a nobleman.

"Father the..." The boy trailed off seeing the King.

"Oren!" Cailan said startled; glancing to Fergus in confusion, before smiling affectionately as the boy raced to him hugging his waist.

"I'm glad you have arrived." Oren's enthusiasm infectious.

"As am I."

"Oren go and tell your mother we have guests." Oren nodded happily to his father and darted up the steps.

"Oriana is here?" Cailan whispered in concern.

"As is my mother."

"How?"

"Apparently the ships were destroyed and Orlais has kept its borders closed. A scouting party found them making their way back to Highever and brought them here."

Cailan rubbed his forehead. "Maker I had hoped they would have reached safety."

Fergus smiled. "Do not trouble yourself Cailan, perhaps if these are to be our last days it is better we spend them together. Besides it never sat well with my mother to part ways with my father. "

Alistair locked eyes with Fergus at last, his face grim with determination. He wanted to say so much to Fergus, but his throat choked and words failed him. Fergus gripped his shoulder, his warm smile perhaps saying more than words ever would.

"Well trouble finally arrives." Alistair glanced up as Aedan joined them. He grinned at Cailan and turned to Alistair firmly grasping his hand. "About time."

Alistair managed the briefest of smiles, his grip weaker than usual. "Good to be here."

"You're hurt."

"A scuffle with an ogre will do that."

Aedan's eyes widened. "Let's get you all inside."

Alistair used the excuse of his injuries and fatigue and slumped into the welcome warmth of a bed, he wasn't up to being face to face with the Teyrn and Teryna, or for that matter Arl Howe. A fire burned in the hearth casting a reddish glow around the room. Alistair stared at the flames and turned away, hearing Leliana's screams. Fists clenched, body curled into the fetal position he sank into a restless sleep.

**xXx**

Aedan pulled Anders and Zevran to one side. "What's going on with Alistair?"

"Apart from overwhelming guilt and grief you mean." Anders muttered.

"Maker he's not still blaming himself for Elissa is he? She was always headstrong. If anyone is to blame it's me for getting so close to that damn ogre."

Anders sighed. " Loghain had another go, worse than ever. Basically blamed him for the fall of Denerim, the Queen and Elissa's death. He even said Alistair was the reason Ferelden is lost."

Aedan stared in astonishment before scowling fiercely. "That man needs a serious personality readjustment. Or maybe I should just hit him."

"I tried that!"

Aedan stared at Anders in astonishment. "You did what?"

"What was I supposed to do? There was no sign of him stopping. He said Maric would be ashamed of him and we both know how sensitive Alistair is on the whole Maric issue."

Aedan allowed a smile to spread across his face. "Anders I didn't know you had it in you."

"I hit people plenty." Anders muttered with a mock frown.

Aedan chuckled. "Remind me to get you a drink, but first I think I should go speak to Alistair."

"Aedan wait; you should know he found Marhi, Reenia and Trenna."

Aedan swallowed hard. "Were they..."

Anders shivered. "They were brood mothers. He was badly injured during their fight and the stupid fool didn't tell anyone he was hurt until he was on point of collapse."

Oghren joined them, tankard of ale in hand. "Aedan the Commander has a death wish at the moment and he's doing a damn good job of almost making it happen. See if you can talk some sense into him."

**xXx**

Loghain took a large gulp of the ale casting his eyes onto the mage with his assassin lover. He had not expected such a blow to come from Anders and had to admit himself marginally impressed. His eyes flickered to Zevran before turning away; in a fair fight he had once believed himself more than capable of killing the Antivan, but spending the past few weeks in his company, fighting by him the Teyrn had come to realise Zevran was in a class of his own and he was no longer convinced he would be the victor. He shuddered as the men leaned in for a brief kiss with each other; wishing they would not be quite so blatant about their relationship, it was unsettling and to his mind unnatural.

"You have barely touched your drink my friend."

Loghain turned to Renden and sighed. "These are dark times and my thoughts are darker still."

"It is good you made it here."

"Indeed, I admit to doubting it at times."

"The Darkspawn numbers are overwhelming, for every Brood Mother killed there seems to be three more we have no idea of. What does the Warden Commander suggest?"

Loghain made a scoffing noise. "He is a foolish boy walking blindly in the dark! He has no clue what he is doing and is leading us all to our deaths."

"That is a little harsh is it not?"

Loghain glanced at his friend surprised. "Your own daughter died because of his incompetence."

Renden took a deep breath, his daughter's death incredibly painful to him. He remembered the day she had married Cailan assuring the Howes ties to the throne and ensuring his place of rank. He thought of how much he had placed on wealth and security of position, only to have it ripped from him anyway. "Come Loghain, we both know he did his best to shield her and almost died because of his efforts."

"It is a shame he did not!"

"Loghain! That is unworthy of you." Bryce had moved over to the table his look stern.

Loghain slammed his fists on the table. "He allowed your daughter to die too! Why are you so quick to dismiss that?"

"Elissa's death was no fault of Alistair's and he would have given his life to save her if he could have. He may be young, but he has shouldered his responsibility as Warden Commander seriously and he earned the respect of his Wardens though his actions."

"He only has two left! Those are the outcomes of his actions."

Garrett, Anders and Zevran hauled Carver out of the room who was on the point of hitting Loghain himself. Eleanor caught up to them in the hall, all four bowing respectfully, though Carver's fists were still clenched. "Carver is it?"

"Yes my lady."

"Let my husband deal with Loghain, he is used to his darker moods and understands some of his more obscure motivations. I do not think your Commander would approve of you assaulting him."

Carver flushed. "No my lady."

Eleanor patted his arm tenderly. "Alistair is lucky to have you."

Carver felt his cheeks burn and was unable to meet her gaze.

Eleanor gave a most wicked smile to Anders who grinned in delight. "I entrust you will help your brother to remember he has friends and people who love him." Her eyes flickering to Carver who was still staring at his feet.

"Of course my lady." Anders gave a flourishing bow that brought warmth to the Teyrna's eyes. "Ah Anders, sometimes you remind me of Maric the most. He was a fool to leave you unacknowledged."

Anders flushed in surprise. "I'm a mage, that's the reality."

Eleanor sighed. "It is foolish and as King he should have worked to change it. Perhaps if the Maker grants Cailan the opportunity he may do what his father did not."

Anders raised an eyebrow. "I won't hold my breath."

Eleanor suddenly turned to him an extremely serious expression on her face. "As long as we Couslands draw breath you will have support and friends to turn to." Her face relaxed into a smile. "Though with an Antivan assassin at your side I doubt you will need us."

Anders swallowed hard, startled and humbled by such a statement from the Teyrna. "Thank you."

Eleanor smiled. "Watch over Alistair he buries his pain deeply and I fear for him."

"He loved your daughter very much." Anders all but whispered.

"Yes and I regret it for him."

Anders felt a stab of shock and anger, he was fiercely protective of his brother and the past few weeks had been almost more than he could cope with as Loghain had torn into him. "You didn't think him worthy enough for her?" His words spoken bitterly, ignoring Zevran's fingers tightening around his arm.

Eleanor's eyes widened before she sighed realising how her words had been misconstrued. "No Anders, _Elissa _proved herself unworthy of him and he is lost because of it. I loved my daughter, but in this respect she was not the woman I raised her to be." The Teyrna moved away towards her husband who was speaking angrily to Loghain wondering if their world had dissolved enough to ignore etiquette giving her the opportunity to punch him herself.

Anders stared after her startled turning to Zevran who looked equally confused. "What did she mean by that?"

Zevran shook his head. "I would not dwell on it. I doubt the Teyrna, or Alistair will be forthcoming."

**xXx**

Aedan knocked on the door several times before he heard a groggy mumble. He slipped into the room and shivered, the fire was little more than a few glowing embers. He stoked the fire adding more wood and took the chair by the bed as Alistair slowly sat up, his arm cradling his injured side.

"I hear Loghain had another go."

"Nothing new there. He needs to vent, let him." Weariness creeping into his tone.

"Alistair, none of this was your fault."

"Aedan don't."

Aedan sighed and fell silent. He looked at Alistair seeing the exhaustion and the struggle just to keep going. "So, you took a while to get here. I must admit I was starting to fear the worst."

"Persuading my brother and Loghain we should make for the Peak was an uphill struggle. Neither wanted to leave Denerim." His heart clenched at the thought of the memorial garden they had left behind. He hated the thought of that tiny part being tainted.

"Still you are here now. I think Duncan would be proud."

Alistair stared at him in disbelief. "What does he have to be proud of?"

Aedan knew he should back down, but he knew his friend was isolating himself and he hated seeing him in such pain. "That we have survived Alistair, that we are still here and fighting."

Alistair turned away. "I don't know what possessed him to make me Commander."

"He had faith in you."

"A faith I have proven was misplaced."

Aedan felt his own anger begin to boil. "So what are you going to do, drown yourself in your own self pity?" Alistair's eyes widened in shock, his cheeks flushing with shame. Aedan lowered his tone as he inched closer to his friend. "Alistair, Duncan's death wasn't your fault."

Alistairs fists clenched. "Aedan I said don't."

"Leliana and Wynne died fighting they knew the risks."

"Aedan for Maker's sake!"

"Elissa died saving me, that wasn't your fault."

"Aedan, get out!" Alistair snarled.

"And what, let you blame yourself for every death since Ostagar. Delilah's death wasn't your fault, no matter what Loghain says."

Alistair felt the swell of rage curl through him and his restraint broke under Aedan's instance, lurching out of the bed and aiming a punch at his friend.

Aedan easily blocked the blow from Alistair who was still groggy; catching his friend as he lost his footing, gasping as his ribs sent pain radiating through his body. "Marhi, Reenia and Trenna weren't your fault."

"They were my fault, all of them!" Alistair's agonised words stabbed at Aedan's heart, his hands gripping Alistair's wrists as his friend fought against him.

Aedan pressed Alistair hard against the wall. "Will fighting me make you feel better? Because if it will, take your best shot."

Alistair fought against the urge to fight his friend, to release the tension that was screaming through his muscles. He forced his body to relax and leaned back against the wall closing his eyes. Moments passed before a trembling sigh left his lips. "I'm not good company tonight, perhaps we can speak tomorrow."

Aedan swallowed painfully realising he had pushed too hard. He pulled away and moved to the door. "I am glad you are here Alistair." He paled at how cold his friend's eyes were, leaving the room at his simple nod.

Alistair glanced to the flames greedily devouring the wood; wondering why death had passed over him time and time again, while claiming so many others. He shook his head, no matter how much he wished for his end he couldn't allow himself the luxury of death yet. That would come soon enough, when they found the damn Archdemon.

**xXx**

Aedan was surprised to find his friends in the corridor, Carver flushed and sullen looking. "What's going on?"

"Loghain as usual." Anders muttered

"Maker you didn't hit him too did you Carver?"

"No."

Zevran smiled. "We exited the room before Carver could let loose his fists. Your father is dealing with Loghain."

"How did it go with Alistair?" Anders was almost afraid to ask.

Aedan shook his head and leaned against the wall. "Not good. I think if it's possible I just made things worse. I'm going to speak to my father, since Ostagar Alistair has a deep respect for my father and trusts his judgement. If anyone could make Alistair see sense it would be him."

**xXx**

_Alistair gazed out over Denerim; his Wardens in place, the army holding back the masses of Darkspawn that were attempting to assault the City. The Archdemon had circled Fort Drakon tormenting them. The other Wardens were hidden and Alistair alone walked out calling for the Archdemon to face him. The great dragon had taken the bait, landed with a thud that took Alistair's legs from beneath him. He had scrambled back to his feet as the Archdemon faced him; gripping his sword, using all his discipline to make himself stay still. Terror beat against his breast like a sledgehammer, his mind screaming at him to flee as the creature charged towards him. Alistair wondered if his death would be very painful; before he was yelling for his Wardens. The clash of steel on scale, battle roars and magic igniting in the air became Alistair's world. The Archdemon struck out with wing, claw and tail before it managed to take off. Alistair gave a roar of fury, ran after it and leapt gripping hold of its tail. The next few minutes were the most terrifying of his life as the Archdemon flew so fast he could barely keep his grip. The creature flew passed the battlements and finally Alistair lost his grip, his body impacting with stone at a devastating rate. He screamed in pain, his arm broken as he came to an abrupt stop. Alistair watched the Archdemon fly above him in lazy circles, his eyes catching sight of Leliana running towards him. Her lithe body leapt up the stairs before there was fire and her screams of pain, Alistair watching in horror as his friend collapsed. He forced himself to move; to put out the flames, but given the damage it had almost been a relief she had not survived. That didn't stop him screaming her name, beating the stone with his undamaged fist until it was bloody. _

Alistair woke with a start; his throat raw, Leliana's name screaming from his lips. He shuddered and pulled his knees to his chest. "I'm so sorry Lel." He whispered.

"You are too hard on yourself young man!"

Alistair glanced up startled and paled as he realised Teyrn Cousland was seated by the fire. Swallowing hard Alistair moved to his feet and bowed, ignoring the warning pain of his ribs.

"Come sit with me Alistair."

Alistair sank on the chair opposite locking his eyes on the flames. When the Teyrn didn't speak Alistair glanced up and froze as pale blue eyes watched him intently. Alistair opened his mouth, but again words failed him.

"Such a great burden rests on such young shoulders." Bryce said gently. "There is no need to add more to your burden than is necessary."

Alistair glanced to him in confusion. "My lord?"

"A great Commander knows how to make the hard decisions and learns to live with the consequences, but he also knows when to seek support. You have been doing less of the latter so I've heard."

Alistair felt his cheeks flush feeling as though he was a child being scolded. "I value the views and experience of those I travel with."

"Indeed; I was referring more to the general comradeship, the bonds of friendship that keep us sane and together despite the hardships we face. You are isolating yourself and that is a dangerous route to take Alistair."

"I have to be strong for them." He bowed his head. "I have lost too many...friends."

Bryce sighed, a deep sadness in his eyes. "It will not hurt any less Alistair if you withdraw from those that are left. Instead you will regret the time wasted, the words left unsaid." He leaned over and gently rested his hand on Alistairs. "Trust me in this Alistair."

Alistair sighed and turned away, hearing Elissa's lilting voice. She would have said much the same as her father. "I am truly sorry about Elissa."

Bryce smiled kindly. "You lost her just as we did Alistair. Allow yourself to grieve and for Makers sake forgive yourself. My daughter had a will of her own, was responsible for her own actions and not even the Maker himself could have stopped her from doing all that she could to save her brother. Honour her sacrifice; but do not use it as a stick to beat yourself with, it demeans you both."

Alistair gave a choked sob and moved over to the window, each breath painful as he struggled to restrain the emotion demanding to be released.

"She was a lucky woman to have you in her life."

"She was my best friend." Alistair whispered.

Bryce gripped his shoulder, squeezing gently. "I will leave you to rest. Goodnight Alistair." Bryce hesitated at the door. "I would have been proud to have you as a son in law."

Alistair glanced up startled, the Teyrn blurring as tears filled his eyes. When the door closed Alistair sank to his knees and wept, but for once it felt cleansing and when he finally crept into the bed he had the first dreamless night since this whole nightmare had begun.

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed._

_I realise I focused most of this chapter on Alistair, but I wanted to show how others see him as well as why he sees himself the way he does. _


	5. A Moment To Reflect

Alistair slept later than he had intended and by the time he had dressed and made his way down to the main hall breakfast had been cleared away. He drifted off to the kitchen hoping there would be something left. He froze in the doorway seeing the Teryna and Oriana clearing away the dishes. Alistair started to back away when emerald eyes fixed on him and he hesitated.

Eleanor smiled. "Alistair you must be hungry, we saved you some breakfast."

Oriana chuckled as he remained where he was. "Come Alistair, we won't bite."

Alistair would once have flushed and stumbled over his words, now he was simply very hungry and grateful there was food available. "Thank you." His voice soft as he settled at the table and began to eat.

Oriana glanced to Eleanor and nodded before drying her hands and leaving the room.

Alistair glanced up as Eleanor sat next to him. "I can't believe Orlais is being so stubborn and foolish." He mumbled at last.

"They have their reasons, as ridiculous as they are."

"What reasons?"

"The Emperor of Orlais is furious that his wife is yet to provide him with a child. Their marriage three years ago was supposed to go towards healing the wounds of our lands, but it has increased the bitterness. He believes Ferelden to have given him a barren wife on purpose."

Alistair sat white faced in silence, rage slowly building throughout his body. "He closed his borders because Anora has not fallen pregnant yet!" Staring at her in disbelief.

"Indeed. Of course it has never crossed his mind that the fertility or lack of may be his issue. He makes no secret of his many lovers and none have fallen with child."

Alistair put his head in his hands. "Just when I thought the world was mad enough." He jumped as Eleanor gently patted his arm.

"My husband spoke to you last night. I hope you heeded his words."

Alistair did flush then, his eyes locked on the table. "He was very generous in manner."

Eleanor sat back and raised an eyebrow. "Alistair Theirin what is it you want?"

Alistair glanced up warily; Eleanor had always recognised him as Maric's son, even when others had openly expressed their disapproval. Eleanor was a fierce woman in her own right and those voices had silenced quickly beneath her fierce stare. "What I want is to end this war. What I want is to not lose anyone else to this madness. What I want..." He stopped, his eyes once more looking at the table.

"And you think you will obtain that by needlessly risking your life."

Alistair gave an impatient groan and pushed away the plate. "I do not risk my life needlessly. I'm doing what I can to end this war, but I am not going to lose anyone else!"

"Alistair this is war and more people will die."

Alistair met Eleanor's eyes, his expression dark. "Not if I can help it."

Eleanor folded her arms and gave him the look that made even Aedan tremble. "Alistair; I loved my daughter very much, but what she did to you was unfair."

Alistair paled at the abrupt change of conversation. "I ... I don't understand."

"Oh I think you do. She used your friendship to shield herself from unwanted attention and encouraged your growing emotions. She loved you deeply as a friend, but accepting your proposal was almost cruel."

Alistair swallowed shifting uncomfortably. "I didn't realise she had told anyone." Silence fell between them. Alistair squirmed and glanced to the Teyrna. "She was my best friend; I would have done anything to help her."

"Even tie yourself to someone knowing she did not love you in the way you loved her."

A flush of shame crept across his cheeks. "It wasn't perfect, but I would have made myself worthy to be her husband."

Eleanor leaned over and clasped his hand. "Alistair you are already more than worthy and you need to realise that." Eleanor pulled back when she realised Alistair was not going to respond. "None of us know what time the Maker will grant us, but I intend to assume each day is my last and live accordingly. I advise you to do the same." She smiled and stood. "But Alistair, please know I have faith in you. We Ferelden's always find a way. Duty and sacrifice are in our blood, but that does not mean we should deny ourselves happiness when we can have it. Now, I'm assuming you will be wanted in the war room."

Alistair nodded and rose to his feet, gently placing a kiss to Eleanor's hand. "A pleasure as always my lady."

**xXx**

Cailan glanced up as Alistair entered smiling warmly. "Ah brother, about time."

Alistair cleared his throat. "My apologies for oversleeping."

Anders grinned. "You weren't the only one." His arm winding around Zevran's waist.

"Well; well, well if it ain't the Commander. You've got some stones Alistair, taking on the Archdemon the way you did. Just a bloody shame it didn't work."

Alistair stared at the dwarf in disbelief. "Maker! Urgel it's good to see you." Clasping his hand, a warm smile spreading across his face. "Forgive me, the reports I received said you had returned to the stone."

Urgel shook his head fiercely, the black braids in his hair and beard waving madly. "Dumb nug humpers couldn't tell the living from the dead, though I suppose to be fair I was half dead." He gave a wicked grin. "An ogre can't keep me down."

"And glad I am to hear it." Alistair felt the first genuine happiness in months and took a seat. "Did many more of your company survive?"

"Just over twenty bodies. Not much in the scheme of things, but Bhelen got things moving and brought the castless into the fight. By the paragons I'd never have thought I'd be happy to have a bunch of sodding castless at my back, but they are damn good fighters and I'm proud to lead them."

"Did you have much trouble getting here?"

"Lost a quarter of my people on the journey here, but that still leaves us with over a hundred. We took out more Darkspawn and Brood Mothers than I can count on the way so I'd still say we came out on top overall."

Alistair frowned. "There are over a hundred dwarves here?"

Urgel laughed loudly. "We are camped out in the cave systems, more comfortable there."

Alistair nodded. "How are you for weapons, armour and other supplies?"

"The Peaks residents have been more than generous and that human Wade he's not half bad, though some of my guys are showing him a thing or two. Not like your average human; no offence, he's willing to learn."

Alistair smiled. "Well let us know if you need anything else."

"A couple of our scouts saw what appears to be elves making their way here."

Alistair felt hope bloom in his chest. "We better get people out there to escort them in."

"Already done." Cailan smiled.

Alistair shook his head. "Someone really should have got my ass out of bed."

Urgel laughed again. "Nah; we are entitled to a lie in once in a while, besides you're going to need that rest, my men have discovered a nest not too far from here and I suggest we take care of it sooner rather than later."

Alistair glanced at the map that had been sectioned; red quadrants indicated the areas controlled by Darkspawn, blue indicating destroyed nests. The map was disturbingly red. He glanced to Cailan. "Do you have a plan in place?"

"The only one we ever have. Get in and out, leave no Darkspawn alive and leave no-one behind."

Alistair almost smiled. "It's always a good plan."

Loghain made a scoffing noise; which Alistair chose to ignore, turning instead to Urgel. "You up for a hunt?"

Urgel beat his hand on his chest and grinned. "I was born for the hunt, but do me a favour and leave the whiner back here." His eyes resting on Loghain with disgust. "Ain't no room in the deep dark for conflict other than with the Darkspawn."

Alistair nodded. "Carver, Garrett I want to see the elves first then we move out." He turned to Urgel. "Two hours, how many of your men can you spare for this?"

"I'll bring ten, me included. You bring half of that and we'll do just fine."

Alistair nodded. "See you at the gates."

Urgel bowed, Alistair returned the gesture watching as he left the room.

"I'm coming with you." Aedan stated. He saw the flicker of resistance in Alistair, they had not fought together since Elissa's death. "Whether you like it or not." He added firmly.

Alistair simply nodded, though secretly grateful. Aedan was a fierce fighter and the two knew each other well enough to anticipate each other's moves.

"Well you aren't leaving me behind." Anders stated, despite his hate of tunnels of any kind.

"Well I guess you'll be taking seven because you ain't ever seeing the mage without the assassin and I didn't come here to shine my boots." Oghren declared.

Sten glared at the dwarf. "You missed me dwarf!"

"No I didn't, this place needs some damn order and you're the man to do it. Qunari, whatever."

Sten scowled, but nodded. "You have the truth of it." He turned to Alistair regarding him silently.

"Do what you can here Sten, Darkspawn always sense us and we need to be able to defend this position."

Bryce rose to his feet. "If you will allow me Sten I will show you what we have accomplished so far."

"That would be acceptable."

**xXx**

Alistair waited impatiently in the courtyard for the arrival of the elves and stared in astonishment as Keeper Marethari came into view, looking a little worse for wear. He rushed towards her taking her arm.

"Lethallin." She said fondly gripping Alistairs arm.

"Andaran atish'an Keeper Marethari." He winced slightly. "Though I suppose this isn't such a place of peace."

Marethari smiled kindly. "The sentiment is appreciated."

"Do you need healing?"

"No, just rest. We have walked far and no day has passed without battle. We are less than twenty, but what we can offer is yours."

Alistair smiled warmly. "Then let us offer you rest and food before you offer us anything." He glanced about uncertainly. "There are plenty of rooms; or we could rig something up in the courtyard, what would be more appropriate?"

"Always so thoughtful. I spy a sizeable section of earth and we have tents, with your permission we will set up a camp there."

"Please do whatever you need." Alistair waved to get Sten's attention, grunting slightly at the pain caused by his ribs. The Keeper narrowed her eyes, but remained silent as Alistair explained the situation to Sten who agreed to ensure they were provided for.

"Alistair!"

Alistair turned and gasped as the air was driven out of him by an exuberant hug from the dark haired, wide eyed elf.

"Merrill." Alistair whispered fondly returning the hug, though in a much more gentle manner.

"I'm so glad you survived!" She laughed with delight hugging him again, frowning at his wince. "Are you hurt?"

"It's nothing Merrill, I promise."

Merrill nodded and smiled happily. "I was starting to wonder if we were the only ones left in Ferelden until Ser Gilmore spotted us."

Alistair glanced up spying the red haired knight and returned the nod of greeting, as he wound his way towards them. "Ser Gilmore." Alistair clasped his arm firmly.

"Warden Commander!" Ser Gilmore broke first and grinned, pulling Alistair into a hug. "Maker it's good to see you Alistair. I nearly died seeing you jump on the tail of that damn Archdemon. I thought you were done for."

Alistair swallowed hard, his thoughts automatically tormenting him with Leliana. "Not my best plan."

"I thought it was very heroic." Merrill trilled, beaming at him.

Alistair flushed. "I'll ... um ... leave you to get settled."

Merrill gave him another hug before dancing off to explore their new temporary home; Marethari following closely behind, smiling to herself.

Carver moved past Alistair scowling. "You coming, or are you going to flirt all day?"

Alistair stared after him startled and ran his fingers through his hair, just when he thought this might actually be a good day.

**xXx**

Urgel had been right; the tunnel he led them down had opened into a cave housing four brood mothers. They had met little resistance getting to the cave, but now they were knee deep in Darkspawn corpses and more kept pouring in.

"We need to take out the Brood Mothers!" Alistair yelled. "They keep calling for reinforcements." The dwarves naturally split into two teams, each team taking a Brood Mother. "Aedan, Garrett we take the one on the far right. The rest of you keep these damn Darkspawn away from us!"

They hacked through tentacles as thick as a man's thigh; each tipped with poisonous barbs, wincing at the high pitched screams of the Broodmothers, dodging venomous spit as they fought their way close enough to take a shot at removing the head. Garrett glanced over his shoulder seeing the Darkspawn in overwhelming numbers about to break through the barrier his friends and brother were creating with their bodies and weapons. Anders frantically casting healing spells. Garrett drew on his magic and sent the Darkspawn slamming to the ground with Fist of the Maker, Carver giving him an appreciative grin. Garrett turned back just in time to freeze a tentacle aiming for Aedan's head. Alistair driving his sword through it in one swift movement.

The two teams of dwarves were faring little better; one Broodmother was difficult enough to deal with, but with the tentacles and venomous spit of four to watch out for it was hard going. In the end it was Zevran that evened the playing field, taking up his bow and firing arrows into their eyes. It almost cost him his own life as a blade grazed his throat. He went down with a gasp, Anders rushing to his side,

Alistair saw Zevran fall and assumed the worst; giving a howl of grief he charged the Broodmother, ignoring the pain of tentacles lashing his body and climbing her obscene bulk, taking her head from her shoulders in one swift, powerful movement. Rage filled him and a grief so dark he thought of nothing else other than killing the next Brood Mother. Despite the bulk of his armour he leapt onto the monstrosity next to the creature he had just killed. Jumping onto what he assumed was a shoulder, grabbing hold of the flesh and hauling himself behind her head. His cry one of pure rage as he drove his sword deep into her skull. Alistair gasped in pain and realised he was falling, quickly amending that to flying. He gasped as his body impacted with the stone wall before he was being dragged away from it before hurtling back towards it. Alistair roared in pain at the second impact recovering from the shock of the first. "Kill it!" He gasped as the third impact left him limp. He was aware of yelling and the feeling of ice before he was falling again, but this time arms caught him and Carver was pulling him away as Oghren put his axe through her head.

Carver held Alistair close to his body, dragging him as far away from the still waving tentacles as he could without risking them being separated from the group. "Damned fool." He hissed through clenched teeth.

Alistair shuddered in pain, wondering if there was ever going to be a day when Carver wasn't yelling at him. "Carver I'm your Commander, you aren't supposed to yell at me." He grunted out through gritted teeth.

Carver glared at him. "I'll stop yelling at you when you stop pulling stupid ass stunts that almost get you killed!"

Alistair felt a bit hazy wondering why he had done that when he remembered seeing Zevran fall. He gripped Carvers arm. "Zevran, is he..." His voice choked.

Carver's tone became soothing. "He's going to have a nasty scar, but he'll be fine."

Alistair sighed in relief and glanced up at the yell of triumph as Urgel took down the last Brood Mother.

"You got stones Commander!" Urgel crowed in delight.

"Makers sake don't encourage him!" Carver grumbled.

Urgel chuckled. "He made you a man yet?"

Carver felt as though his cheeks had burst into flames and was never so relieved that Alistair was unconscious. His eyes widening at the sudden realisation, yelling for Garrett who had been dealing with Oghren's variety of wounds.

They were a battered; but triumphant group that returned to the Peak and despite having a headache that seemed to have been spawned from the Void itself, Alistair joined them for a drink.

**xXx**

Urgel banged his fist on the table and raised a mug of ale. "To the Wardens and those who follow them. You're a mad bunch and I salute you!"

Alistair was sipping down his fourth whisky, a lazy smile spreading across his face as he raised his glass. "To Commander Urgel and your fine men. May the stone grace us all."

To Loghain's utter astonishment Urgel and those of his men drinking with him stood up and saluted Alistair. He got to his feet and stormed out in disgust.

Urgel winked at Alistair. "Told you."

Alistair grinned, throwing him a bottle of brandy. "Your winnings."

Urgel chuckled. "Never bet with a dwarf if you want to win. Though I suspect you won just as much as me." Returning to his card game a grin on his face.

"It was definitely worth it." Alistair grinned.

Anders leaned back in his seat, his eyes flickering often to the bandage at Zevran's throat.

"I am well caro." Zevran insisted catching his look.

Anders nodded, catching his hand beneath the table and gently squeezing. "I know, I just ..."

Zevran squeezed back gently. "Come, drink some brandy and let us relieve Alistair of his money."

Alistair who was feeling extremely tipsy glanced mischievously at the assassin, a warmth in his eyes none of them had seen in a long time. "Money Zevran, is that all you bet these days. I remember a time when only clothes would do."

Zevran burst into laughter. "Ah Alistair; you were a sight to behold, down to your smalls with a blush that covered your entire body."

Alistair shook his head. "You cheated!"

"Of course I did. How else was I supposed to see that magnificent body of yours."

"You saw it often enough when he bathed." Sten pointed out.

Zevran chuckled. "That is also true. There is nothing so delightful as a man bathing, unless of course he is bathing with you." His eyes straying to Anders who was thankfully grinning.

Alistair sighed. "I had a lot less scars back then." His hand unconsciously drifting to the scar at his throat before taking another sip.

"We all had a lot less scars." Oghren grumbled. "Felsi couldn't stop laughing at the one on my ass."

Carver sprayed his drink across the table. "What in Andraste's name were you doing to get a scar on your ass?"

Oghren glanced to Alistair who was already chuckling into his drink. "I had a bit to drink and mooned an ogre."

Carver felt his jaw drop. "I don't remember that!"

"You were out cold after the Circle fiasco. We were taking bets on what would wake you up."

Carver scowled at Alistair. "I remember some idiot throwing cold water on me!"

Alistair sighed. "Guilty as charged, I think idiot was about the kindest thing you said to me that night."

Carver flushed slightly. "Well you were being an arse!"

"Ah Alistair you should have woken him the way I suggested." Zevran purred. "The reaction would have been very different I suspect."

Carver's eyes widened as a deep flush coloured Alistair's cheeks. Alistair giving Zevran a warning look. Zevran grinned and turned his attention to Anders who was softly murmuring in his ear.

Carver turned to Alistair. "How did he tell you to wake me up?"

Alistair shook his head. "You don't want to know!"

"Of course I do!" Carver grumbled.

Alistair pushed himself away from the table, grabbed his drink and mumbled something about needing some air. Carver watched him leave in confusion.

Oghren produced a pack of cards and began to deal. There were no smart comments as Carver slipped away from the table, only knowing looks and hopeful smiles.

**xXx**

Alistair leaned on the battlements gazing out across the mountains. He took a deep breath of the cold, crisp mountain air. The Peak was surprisingly quiet and for a moment he could forget they were on the losing end of a Blight. His thoughts meandered through his memories to meeting Carver for the first time. Those fierce blue eyes glaring at him, demanding to see the Warden Commander. Garrett had been wounded with a Darkspawn blade and the taint was killing him. Carver offered them both to the Wardens if they saved his life. Alistair wanted to warn the fierce young warrior away; tell him of the horrors that awaited him if he chose this life, but Duncan's look had silenced him and the brothers had taken the Joining.

He remembered his almost infatuation with the warrior. The longing to be in his company and the almost ever present blush at Zevran's teasing who saw his attraction to Carver. He shifted slightly, then Elissa had begun showing an interest. Alistair had been overwhelmed, that someone would actually want him and he was swept along in her affections. He sighed, staring into the glass his heart aching at the love he still felt for her. Elissa had finally confessed her love for another, but he was someone she could never be with and stumbled through explaining the unwanted attention of someone she detested, by then Alistair was deeply in love and there was no turning back for him. He clenched his fist, of all people why did it have to be Loghain who wanted her. Alistair remembered buying the ring in Denerim, his solution for her. If they married the Teyrn would have to back down. He had held tight to his heart her look of joy and pretended it was because she wanted to be with him. A week later she was dead and Loghain had never forgiven him. Alistair hissed in shock as the glass shattered in his hand.

**xXx**

Carver stood in the shadows watching his Commander who was clearly deep in thought. He ached for him in ways he had never thought possible. He could lose himself in those hazel eyes and almost had when they had first met. He had demanded to see the Warden Commander, but if Garrett's life had not been in danger he would have made a fool of himself and simply stood and stared into Alistair's eyes.

He thought sadly of a time when he had thought Alistair had felt something for him, had caught hesitant looks and shy smiles. Elissa had ended that with her blond hair and emerald eyes and being everything Carver wasn't. Yet he had become his friend, cherished that bond between them and then Duncan had been killed and named Alistair Commander. Alistair had stopped laughing and joking, separated himself from them and became distant. Carver had ached for his friend, watched as he had clung to Elissa for support and then she had been killed and Carver had seen it in his eyes, he felt that he had no-one. Carver had tried every way he knew to show Alistair he was not alone, but he had grown afraid for him and his words came out in anger from his fear of losing him.

Carver leaned against the wall and drank in Alistair, allowing himself this at least. Alistair was the only man who had ever stirred his desire. In truth the only person who had ever made him want to do whatever it took just to see a smile. Carver shook his head and shrugged off his thoughts. He was not what Alistair wanted and he had come to terms with that, but that didn't mean he was going to give up on him as a friend. Commander or not he would be there for him, to the Void if necessary.

He jumped as the glass shattered and darted forward gripping Alistair's hand before he realised what he was doing. Carver found himself sinking into hazel eyes, hot breath so close he could almost taste the whisky. He watched Alistair's lips part; his tongue darting out, his breath hitching in response. Carver wasn't sure when they had moved so close, but he felt his heart pound aching to lean forward, to taste those lips even if it was only once.

Alistair was struggling to breathe, the shattered glass forgotten in the sensation of heat from Carver's body standing so close to his own. He felt the flush of his cheeks, a shuddering breath leaving his lips. His mind told him to back away, his body urging him to lean forward just a little closer, just to have the feeling of closeness with another. No; not just another, with Carver. His whole body seemed to be throbbing and then he _was_ leaning closer, his hand moving of its own accord to gently cup Carver's cheek, running his thumb against the day old stubble. He gazed into startling blue; feeling adrift in an ocean, but as Carver's hand pressed against the one cupping his cheek he felt anchored. Alistair suddenly couldn't tear his gaze from Carvers lips, his breath hitching as Carver's fingers were slowly stroking his own. "Carver." It was more a moan of need and want and he saw Carvers eyes darken, reflecting back his look of desire. Their lips were almost touching, Alistair felt as though his heart was going to burst.

"Alistair there you are!" Merrill squealed happily; stopping startled as the two men flew apart, flushing furiously. Carver stumbled out an excuse before rushing back inside, Alistair staring after him as though in pain. "You've hurt your hand." She whispered softly; not sure what she had intruded upon, but wishing she hadn't.

Alistair glanced to his hand, noticing for the first time it was bleeding and throbbing painfully. Merrill gently took his hand picking out the pieces of glass before placing her hand over it, a soft green glow sinking into him. Alistair sighed as the pain eased.

"Alistair I'm sorry I didn't mean to intrude."

Alistair smiled kindly. "Don't worry Merrill, Carver would have regretted it anyway."

"But not you?"

Alistair smiled sadly. "No, not me."

**xXx**

Carver stormed through the hall and sat at the table scowling fiercely, gripping his cards as though they deeply offended him.

Anders glanced to Zevran and sighed, this was not quite the reaction they had been hoping for.

Oghren scratched his beard and poured himself an ale. "Where's the Commander?" He muttered at last. "I've a hankering to win his money."

Carver's scowl deepened if that was possible. "With Merrill." He hissed, throwing down his cards in temper.

"Oh for Makers sake!" Anders grumbled. "What happened?"

"Nothing! Just like always! Miss bright and shiny will no doubt give him an enjoyable evening."

Anders allowed a slight grin, this was the closest Carver had come to admitting openly his feelings for Alistair. "Merrill is very touchy, but she's as innocent as they come. She'll have him saving kittens and birds, rather than sharing her bed."

Carver took a deep breath knowing he was right.

Oghren threw Carver another card. "If you're going to get jealous, make sure it's at something worth it. He's been happier today than he has in months and if you like him as much as we all know you do..." He silenced Carvers protests with a glare. "you'll let him have that, even if it's just to remind him what it feels like."

Carver glared at the table, not at all happy that the only person who he wanted to know his feelings, seemed to be the only person who didn't have a clue.

The door opened and a shivering Alistair entered, moving next to the fire and knocking back another whisky.

"Merrill have you climbing trees?" Anders teased.

Alistair shrugged and gave a boyish grin that had Carver melting into a puddle. "Three as it happens." He glanced to Carver who was making sure not to look in his direction. Alistair rubbed his forehead and sank into the seat, Oghren dealing him in. Thirty minutes of Carver deliberately ignoring him had Alistair torn between wanting to kiss him right there and then and wanting to yell at him to stop being a child. He did neither; bowing out of the game, grabbing a bottle of whisky and retiring to his room. Within an hour he was passed out on the bed, mumbling incoherently as nightmares dragged him into despair.

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Thank you for reading, I'd love to know what you think so far. _

_Alistair's prior relationships with the dwarves and elves will probably be dealt with in conversation and flashbacks to give more context to their current relationships. I had also wanted to give some background as to why Orlais is behaving the way it is, and some insight into the conflict between Loghain and Alistair. Hopefully I am portraying a Ferelden that has fight in it yet, but as ever the Archdemon has a trick or two of his own. _


	6. Nightmares of a Commander

_Alistair glanced around; everything seemed just a little unnatural, somehow blurred around the edges and he shuddered knowing at some point the Archdemon would make his entrance. He moved off down a dirt track towards a forest glade. He had learned through experience never to stay in the same place too long in the Fade. Easing through the trees Alistair froze, his blood turning to ice. Wynne was waiting for him, her eyes fixed on him with the warmth he remembered. He heard his own strangled moan and despite knowing nothing would ever change what had happened, he ran towards her. He couldn't get his body to move fast enough, moving as though in slow motion. He cried out his warming as the Werewolf moved behind her. Wynne turned her magic flaring as claws ripped open her chest. She collapsed to the floor, her eyes wide with shock._

_ Alistair found his speed had returned and he hurled himself against the Werewolf; screaming a string of curses, his blade finding its target, buried to the hilt in its chest. He stumbled back, his hand moving to his throat, staring at the blood on his hand. Alistair sank to his knees, crawling towards Wynne. What little strength the spirit within her had was fading and as he clutched her hand Wynne gave a shuddering sigh and was finally claimed by the death she had eluded. Alistair let out a strangled scream, slumping against her as his own blood loss took his strength. His vision blurred as he saw Zathrian move passed them, a dark smile on his face. _

**xXx**

Alistair woke with a start clutching his throat. Slipping out of bed, he padded over to the wash bowl grateful for the cool water against his hot skin. He glanced in the mirror at the scar, tracing its length from his jaw to his collarbone, Swiftrunner's final gift. His punishment for failing Wynne. Alistair turned from the mirror and moved to the window, feeling the cool breeze cause goosebumps to rise along his skin. He glanced down to the courtyard seeing the Dalish makeshift camp, he owed them his life.

He closed his eyes as the memories washed over him. Merrill and Marethari had found them; they had been seeking Zathrian's clan to suggest they leave Ferelden. Only their combined magic had managed to pull Alistair from the brink of death. Merrill had been a constant by his side in the days that followed as she had tended to his wounds and his grief.

Merrill was unlike anyone he had ever known and he was proud and grateful to call her friend. He spied Marathari standing apart from the tents gazing up at the stars. He knew that in some way she communicated with them and wondered what they were telling her now. He wondered if they spoke of hope, or the end of their world. He glanced to the stars himself wondering why Ferelden had been abandoned, but the stars held no answers for him. He turned from the window and returned to bed, shuddering as the Fade claimed him a second time that night.

xXx

_The room was small; dark, cold. Alistair turned around slowly, realising it was a cell. He saw the huddled form of Anders and slowly moved to his brother's side. His heart throbbed painfully as Anders whimpered and shrank into the corner away from his touch. Alistair hated the Templars for what they had done to Anders, but they had received their punishment. He felt the building shudder and heedless of Anders shriek of fear he grabbed him and pushed him out of the cell door. They pounded up the stairs as screams and the sounds of destruction reached them. Alistair guided them through the front door, pushing him onto the boat and rowing as fast as he could to the jetty on the other bank. _

_They watched in horror as the Archdemon struck against the tower over and over again, those Templars and mages defending the Circle were ripped apart. Kinloch Hold had fallen stone by stone into the lake. The bodies of mages and Templars alike were filling its waters. _

_Alistair had witnessed the destruction of the Circle, but he had freed Anders weeks prior to the event. He gripped his sword as the Archdemon flew towards them; landing almost lazily on the bank, its eyes fixed on Anders. _

"_**Alistair." **__His hissing tone pounding in his brain. __**"You have something that is mine."**_

_Alistair shoved back the shivering mage, never taking his eyes from the Archdemon. "Leave him alone!"_

"_**He's mine Alistair. He should already be dead. Give him to me and I will let you live."**_

"_How about I just cut you down!"_

"_**You cannot stop me … Warden Commander. Ferelden has fallen. You are alone."**_

"_One man can still make a difference." Alistair hissed running at the creature. He felt pain move through his whole body, finding himself suspended in the air as he watched the Archdemon approach Anders. "Maker no!" He screamed as the Archdemon's claw gripped his brother, bringing the struggling mage to his mouth. There were flames and Anders tortured screams before he was torn apart. Alistair felt his heart shatter._

"_**You cannot protect them Alistair. You will always fail."**_

**xXx**

Alistair woke up his throat aching with his screams. His stomach heaved and cramped as he retched, his throat raw with bile. His body was shaking and covered in sweat that made his clothing stick to him. The torture of Anders seared into his mind and as he closed his eyes he began to see it all again. Alistair clutched his stomach and brought up more bile than he thought possible. He lay on the stone floor for a long time glad of its chill against his feverish skin.

As dawn rose he crawled to the bed and used it as leverage to get himself to his feet. He stripped off his soiled clothes and cleaned up the mess he had made, throwing the clothes into the fire, opening the window to air the room and watching the flames crackle. He washed and dressed; bypassing the hall and heading for the war room, begging his stomach to be still as it began to rebel at the smell of food.

He closed the door hoping to block out any stray scents and began to study the map. He didn't look up when Anders entered, too absorbed in his task.

"Rough night?"

"Too much whisky." Alistair murmured without looking up.

"Liar."

Alistair turned to his brother startled. "What?"

"You think I can't tell a hangover from your damn nightmares."

Alistair turned back to the map giving a sigh of appreciation at the regeneration energy flowing through him. He closed his eyes only to see Anders torn apart. He shuddered, his eyes flaring open.

"They are always worse when something upsets you." Anders voice was soft.

"I'm fine Anders." Alistair glanced up as he felt Anders move closer to him, emotion causing a lump to form in his throat.

"Alistair you can talk to me." He all but pleaded.

Swallowing hard Alistair straightened and gripped his shoulder. "I know."

"But you're not going to." Anders muttered turning away.

"Anders!"

He turned back swiftly, startled by the panic in Alistair's voice. "Alistair you don't have to do this alone."

The walls Alistair had so carefully constructed crumbled and he sank to his knees, burying his head in his hands. He felt Anders gentle embrace and surrendered to his brother, his body shaking violently as he held back the tears that were desperate to flow. He didn't dare speak knowing the months of torturous thoughts would pour out and with it his despair. He slowly regained control of himself and glanced to Anders, the flush of shame colouring his cheeks. "Forgive me." His voice broken and rough.

"Alistair you are only human, carrying this much responsibility is too much for one person. We are here for you; please understand confiding in us or allowing yourself to grieve and yes that means crying too, does not make you weak, or in any way diminish respect for you. Locking yourself in grief, separating yourself from us won't help you. If these are to be our last days would you rather spend them walled up in your own mind, or with those of us who love and care about you?"

Alistair gazed warmly at his brother. "When did you get to be so wise?"

Anders grinned. "I'm a man of many talents." He helped Alistair to his feet. "Just ask Zev. Now, how about some breakfast."

Alistair made a face, but Anders was insistent and he found himself almost dragged to the table. His stomach churned almost painfully and Alistair ate some bread without enthusiasm as Garrett and Carver consumed more than the rest of the table put together. Alistair glanced at those seated, almost startled to hear laughter and joking. It seemed so out of place given the situation they were in and yet he clung to it, laughter meant hope and hope meant he would find a way. When Anders was absorbed in conversation he eased back from the table and returned to the war room glancing at the map. A glimmer of a plan began to take form in his mind.

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Thank you to everyone following; favouriting and reviewing, I really appreciate your support. I hope you enjoyed. _


	7. The Tunnels

Alistair had outlined his plan, or at least the part he wanted them to know. Soldiers Peak was nestled within the mountains which meant there were lots of high advantage points and places to hide. The Peak was easily defensible and Alistair hoped they could use magic to add to its defenses. If they could draw the Archdemon to them, they might have a chance in taking it out, an all-out assault would get them wiped out and small attack squads would be little use against the Archdemon if it was surrounded by its horde.

"We clear as much of the perimeter as possible, that means taking out the Broodmothers as far back as we can and collapse the tunnels at the chosen distance so it is more difficult for the Darkspawn to move underground."

"So you would lead it right to us." Loghain hissed.

"Not right to us, but close enough that we can take it down." Alistair pointed to the map. "This valley is just beyond the Peak. We will need to scout it, but I'm betting there will be plenty of high spots to draw its attention. We concentrate on bringing it down and then you let us Wardens do the rest."

"A fool plan from a fool." Loghain snarled.

Alistair held his temper. "I realise it isn't the ideal plan, but this way what forces we have are as protected as possible, we aren't marching anywhere leaving us exhausted and possibly picked out by Darkspawn on the way. This way we stand a chance."

"I say let's go for it." Urgal though gruff sounded enthusiastic.

"You would." Loghain muttered.

"Loghain the plan has merit." Bryce stated firmly, turning to Alistair. "Clearing out the Broodmothers is something that must be done anyway and I'm sure we can make the surface access points to our tunnel system harder to reach. We have enough weapons and supplies here to hold out for at least a year if need be." He gave Alistair a warm smile. "Thanks to some astute forward planning."

Alistair acknowledged the compliment with a slight nod, tensing as Loghain's fist slammed against the table. "This will get us all slaughtered!"

Alistair stood straight and turned to the general. "I'm happy to hear alternatives."

Loghain's scowl deepened. "We cannot risk the Peak."

Howe glanced to the map and then to Loghain. "It might just work my friend. If enough Brood mothers can be killed and the Darkspawns way of getting to us underground cut off that should cut out the element of surprise. Scout groups could warn of surface attacks and I heard Urgal mentioning explosives last night. Maybe we could have a few surprises in store for them. I am not eager to have the Archdemon near us, but this Valley is still some distance away and if not what is the alternative? We stay here until our supplies run out? There are no ships, and Orlais is shut to us. We are on our own."

"Just how do you intend to get the Archdemon to the valley?" Loghain muttered, glaring at Alistair.

Alistair turned his gaze to the map. "That I suspect will be the easy part."

"And when it is there how do you plan to take it down?" Loghain persisted, his harsh tone grating on everyone.

Alistair gave a grim smile. "With distraction and a lot of luck."

**xXx**

Alistair ignored the ache of his ribs, the pull of the stitching and the painful rub of his armour. He moved on cautiously, signalling for everyone to stop as he inched forward to the cave entrance. They had spent the last week clearing out tunnels and caves, split into smaller assault groups. The plan was working and they had already collapsed the majority of tunnels.

Carver and Garrett had tried to get out of Alistair how they were going to get the Archdemon to come to the valley; but Alistair was tight lipped, saying only that their connection to the Darkspawn would bring it. Alistair if it was possible had distanced himself further, but surprisingly and to the relief of his friends was taking less personal risks. He still moved into the thick of battle, but was not as reckless as he had been on previous occasions and was quick to say if he was wounded. Carver blamed himself for the Commanders withdrawal and had attempted to draw Alistair out. His Commander was civil; friendly even at times, but there was no hint of what had passed between them. He remained frustrated and an ache of what had been possible built within him. He glanced to Alistair as he moved cautiously to the cave entrance, gripping his sword. He had come to boiling point with his frustration and he was determined to speak to Alistair when they got back to the Peak.

Alistair peered into the cave and pulled back sharply, his breath harsh in his ears. He stayed still for a moment before he inched back up the tunnel. "Two Brood Mothers and about half a dozen Genlocks."

"Well let's get to it." Oghren muttered.

Alistair swallowed hard, forcing himself to look at his friend. "Oghren, maybe you should sit this one out."

Oghren glared thinking Alistair referred to his previous injury, but he saw the look on Alistairs face. "Nug humping bastards!" Oghren roared, Aedan clamping his hand over the dwarfs mouth. Alistair glanced back up the tunnel, his heart pounding. They heard a scuffling noise and shadows flitted by the cave entrance before the Genlocks had entered the tunnel and were heading for them. Oghren wrenched free and gripping his axe ploughed into the Darkspawn, Alistair following, the others taking out anything that was left. Oghren kept up his momentum and burst into the cave stopping short.

He remembered her dark blond hair that always seemed so soft and smelled, well he didn't know what it smelled like he just knew he liked it. He remembered the way her body curved perfectly against his and the way she could insult him with just the right amount of teasing to stir his desire. He remembered telling her she needed to get out of Ferelden and when they had returned to Lake Calenhad the proprietor had been angry because she had upped and left. Oghren felt a maddness descend as the creature that had once been Felsi stared at him. "I'll make it quick." He muttered.

Thrashing tentacles impeded their progress, their awful wails calling for more Darkspawn. A frost spell from Anders, combined with paralysis from Hawke managed to get them a path to the creatures. They broke on Felsi trying to end her suffering as quickly as possible. Her wails would haunt them for nights to come. Oghren gripped the smaller throwing axe from his belt and building up speed threw it, Felsi's head taken cleanly from her monstrous shoulders. Oghren collapsed to his knees shuddering violently. Alistair gripped his shoulder before turning his attention to the second Brood mother. She was much bigger, horns protruding from her hairless scalp. She screeched and hissed spitting her venom at them. She caught Garrett on the shoulder with a barbed tentacle, making him scream out in pain, the impact tearing into flesh and muscle. Anders quickly moved to his side; but in his rush to help his friend, he missed the tentacle on the ground and let out a cry of shock as he was lifted into the air, before being slammed against the ground.

Zevran ran towards him, a stream of curses leaving his mouth as he struck at the flailing limb as she prepared to slam him to the ground again. Alistair darted in front of her grabbing her attention by throwing his helmet at her head. She hissed, spitting her venom at him. "Come on you bitch." Alistair felt the excruciating pain as a tentacle wrapped around his waist starting to crush him. He gripped his sword tight and almost laughed as she raised him above her head ready to dash him against the ground. Marhi had done much the same. He gave a sharp twist cutting through the limb and gripping onto the folds of flesh as he fell, pulling himself to her head, driving his sword through her spine before cutting the head from her shoulders. He jumped off ignoring the pain limping over to Anders who looked dazed, but thankfully apart from some bruises and a headache was unhurt, Hawke having healed the head wound quickly.

"You're nuts." Anders muttered to his brother.

Alistair grinned. "Got to keep you out of trouble baby brother." He turned back to the corpses and wiped the sweat from his brow. They were getting damned efficient at killing them, but no attack was without injury to them. "Do you both have enough mana to burn them."

Hawke eased himself to his feet. "First we deal with injuries then we deal with them."

Alistair nodded moving to the side as Hawke eased aside his armour. His ribs were badly bruised, he had a long jagged wound across his back and some venom had managed to burn through his armour to his shoulder and leg. Alistair sat down and let the soothing magic do its work.

Oghren moved to his side and sat next to him. "Why did you suggest I sit out of this one?" His voice gruffer than usual.

Alistair glanced to Felsi and sighed. "I …. I didn't ….. the burden of killing people who were friends let alone … damn it Oghren I just …" He spread his hands helplessly.

Oghren patted his uninjured shoulder. "Thanks for the thought you dumb nug."

Alistair gave a choked chuckle and gripped Oghren's arm. "I'm sorry my friend."

Oghren nodded. "It's better that we found her and ended it. This ain't something I will regret and neither should you. That's a fate worse than death and if those already gone could say something, it would be thank you." Oghren rubbed his chin and beard roughly. "Come on Commander, theres more tunnels and we ain't finished yet."

Alistair rose to his feet and pulled on his discarded helmet. "Let's get to it."

**xXx**

Exhausted they had made one final push, all three groups finding themselves meeting up at a tunnel entrance. Nathaniel and Serac, a castless rogue who had become Urgal's right hand scouted ahead. They came back moments later, both looking pale.

Alistair rose to his feet. "What is it?"

"By the stone there's a lot of them up there." Serac muttered.

"At least ten that I could count Commander." Nathaniel reported, explaining the layout of the cave.

Alistair took a deep breath. "This needs done."

Urgal gripped his arm as he moved forward. "Listen Commander I'm always up for the fight, but let's be sensible about this. We would probably kill them, but there might not be any of us left. This tunnel is one of the main ones and needs blocking. It might not be as far as we wanted, but if we take out that cave with an explosion, we kill the Brood mothers and seal up our tunnel, hopefully with the least amount of casualties."

Alistair rubbed his forehead. "How are you going to ensure what's in that cave is destroyed."

"Aye well; we will need a bit of a diversion, the explosives will need to be put at specific points and it's unlikely that whoever sets them up ... will he ain't coming back."

Alistair swallowed hard. "You have someone in mind?"

Thaml moved forward. "I'm your ..."

"Stand down Thaml." Urgal said gruffly. "Your expertise will be needed for the surface distraction." He glanced to Alistair. "They'll follow you Commander."

Alistair paled. "Urgal."

"Ain't never asked my men to do something I wasn't prepared to do myself. Me and a small team of my boys will get it done. You just make damn sure this means something."

Alistair felt his heart sink, shaking his head. "There must be another way, why don't we just collapse this tunnel?"

"Because the Darkspawn will dig through it in no time. Ain't I taught you anything!" He grinned. "Come on Commander, we all knew the risks. I've lived longer than I thought to and I've earned my place with the Ancestors."

Alistair glanced up sharply feeling the Darkspawn closing in on their position. He gripped Urgal's arm. "May the stone embrace you my friend."

Urgal smiled, returning the grip and pulling Alistair close. "When it's your time; come see me and the Ancestors and we'll buy you a pint, but you better have killed that thing first." Urgal and four of his warriors made their way up the tunnel, briefly acknowledging the others who were saluting them. "Come on boys. Let's show them how it's done."

**xXx**

This was harder than anything Urgal had faced before. He placed the explosives as those with him fought to give him time, trying not to be distracted by their screams. He felt panic move through him that he wouldn't get the job done and scowled. He'd never failed a mission before and he had no intention of starting now. He let out a strangled scream as he was dragged backwards and into the air, his eyes locking with the broodmother. He gave her a toothy grin before throwing the bomb at the explosives nearest him. It set off a chain reaction and as one exploded it set of the next until the fearful howl of the Brood mothers was drowned beneath the rumble of stone as the cave began to collapse. Urgal felt the heat of flame, a crushing blow from rock falling in on them taking him to the ground. He closed his eyes. Job done.

**xXx**

Darkspawn were everywhere, their screeching and stench lingered in every tunnel. Alistair channeled his rage at Urgal and his mens sacrifice into keeping those still with him alive. "Move!" Alistair roared as the ground rumbled beneath them and the explosion ripped a hole in the side of the tunnel. "Shit!" Alistair hissed as Darkspawn poured through from beyond.

Serac threw some bombs in their direction in desperation knowing they couldn't win against the sheer numbers filling the tunnel. "Run you dumb nugs!" He yelled. They raced back along the tunnel; the ground continued to rumble and vibrate beneath their feet, a crack in the stone they ran on, racing past them. "Move it or we'll be buried!"

They ran into a small cave, horrified as the ground beneath them began to break up. "By the Paragons we must have hit a fault line." Serac gasped.

"A what?" Alistair yelled, pushing his men on.

"All you need to know is we need to get ahead of it, or we won't be leaving."

Anders gave a strangled scream as the floor broke apart, glancing up in relief as Zevran and Aedan gripped hold of him hauling him back up. They ran on, dodging falling rocks and stumbling as the ground broke up around them. They managed to get into another tunnel the dwarves hurrying on ahead to lead the way. Alistair glanced back, what Darkspawn had managed to follow them were being buried.

"Move it Commander." Serac yelled.

Alistair's eyes widened as the tunnel began to cave in ahead of them. "Run!" He roared.

Carver felt as though his lungs were going to explode when an entire section of the tunnel ahead crashed down in front of him. He was blinded by the dust, his eyes watering badly and felt a hand grab his, stumbling on as rocks thudded around them.

Aedan collapsed to the ground as he ran out of the tunnel into a stable cave; gasping for breath, the dwarves having stopped running and were taking a well-earned opportunity to catch their breath, exhausted after their frantic flight. He turned hearing a thunderous crack, a rumble and the sound of rocks crashing against each other far too close for comfort. Oghren, Anders and Zevran emerged from the dust. They turned back, the tunnel blocked by rock. Aedan glanced around frantically; everyone bar two had made it through, Alistair and Carver were still on the other side. Despite his exhaustion Aedan started to tear at the rocks, yelling at the trapped men to hold on.

Everyone knew the stakes, behind that wall were two of the only three Wardens in Ferelden and if there was a chance they were alive they needed to get to them.

**xXx**

Alistair threw himself against Carver pinning him against the stone as the rocks fell around them. He gave a groan of pain, his body slumping as the stone landed against his back, his armour barely shielding him from the impact. Carver gripped him tightly against him, his heart pounding at the almost dead weight in his arms. When the rocks finally stopped falling Carver gently lowered Alistair to the floor, wincing at the hiss of pain.

"Damn it I can't see anything!" Carver snarled.

"S'okay." Alistair groaned."

Carver pulled off his gauntlets and took off his pack. There was a low clicking noise and two rune stones gave off a faint light. It was limited but enough for Carver to see the trouble they were in. They were blocked off on both sides in a relatively small space. He wondered dismally how much air they had. He glanced to Alistair and paled. Blood covered the left side of his face from a jagged head wound. His left side was battered and in places the armour had punctured flesh. "Alistair I need you to tell me where it hurts." Scrabbling in the bag for healing potions.

"S'okay." Alistair repeated.

Carver turned to him his hands shaking. "It's not okay Alistair." He began to tend to the head wound first, Alistair making small whimpering noises. "I'm sorry, but I need to treat this. Damn it why couldn't Anders be trapped in here too!" Alistair reached for his arm, stopping half way with a cry of pain. "Alistair for Makers sake stay still." Carver continued tending to the head wound gently cleaning the blood and dirt from his face as best he could, realising that tears were slipping down Alistair's cheeks. Carver swallowed hard; shifting his position to try and ease Alistair's discomfort, Alistair giving a scream of pain that made Carver freeze. "Alistair please tell me where the worst pain is."

"Back...like a blade...in my back." He wheezed out.

"Alistair I'm going to have to turn you." He slowly and carefully turned Alistair onto his less battered side; Alistair biting his lip to stop the screams of pain, which still managed to come out as strangled groans. Carver stared at the sharp slice of armour embedded in Alistair's back, far too near the lower end of his spine for comfort.

"Alistair I can't remove this I'll do more damage."

Alistair squeezed his eyes shut wondering at what point the Maker was going to give him a break and let him die. He shivered and gave a wheezing cough. "S'okay."

"Stop saying that!" Carver yelled. "What in the Void were you thinking? Why didn't you just get out?"

Alistair gave a shuddering breath. "Would never leave you behind."

"Why not?" His voice lowering in tone.

Alistair gave a gasping cough. "Garrett would kill me for a start."

Carvers face fell and he was glad Alistair couldn't see him. "That's a stupid reason."

Alistair tried to move, doubling over with a hissing breath spitting blood from his mouth. "Carver." His voice panicked.

"I'm here." Carver gently put a healing potion to his lips hoping it would relieve some of the pain. "Drink this."

"I'm sorry." Alistair mumbled as Carver gently wiped the splashes of the potion and blood from his chin.

"What for?"

"You deserve better than me." Carver realised he was trembling. "I've been a poor Commander. I could never be the man Duncan was."

"No one asked you to be you dope." Alistair shivered, causing Carver to press close to try and give him what body heat he could. He snarled in frustration, Alistair's armour was in his way and there was no way to remove it without causing further damage. He bit his lip as Alistair rested his head on his chest, his breathing easing a little.

"I'm cold."

Carver gently wrapped his arms around him wishing more than anything they were in his warm bed. "They'll get us out soon. Alistair you need to keep talking."

"Hurts."

"I know, but I need you to stay awake."

"Then you talk...like...hearing you talk."

Carver felt the flush rise from his throat to his forehead. "You do huh."

"When...you're not...yelling...at me." Carver winced, unconsciously running his fingers through Alistair's hair, stopping suddenly when he realised what he was doing. "Felt nice." Alistair murmured, giving an appreciative sigh when Carver resumed.

"Anders will fix you up just fine." He murmured. "We've been in worse situations than this and you always come out okay." He paused as he felt Alistair inch closer to him, carefully adjusting his position to suit the injured man.

"She...never really...wanted me...you know."

Carver glanced at him in concern. "What are you talking about?"

"Elissa...was never me...she wanted."

"But you seemed so close."

"She was a...good friend...I was a poor...second choice."

Carver swallowed hard. "Do you want to tell me who her first choice was?"

Alistair gave a laugh that became a tortured cough, blood staining his lips. "Cailan... can't seem to...get out of...his damn shadow."

Carver felt his heart squeeze knowing exactly how that felt. "Older brothers can be a pain in the ass. Still she was very pretty must have been nice to have her to snuggle up to at night."

Alistair let out a tortured breath. "Wouldn't...know. Just had a...few kisses. A pathetic... fumble ….the night I pro... Doesn't matter ... now."

Carver felt his heart pound again, angry at himself that he was glad Alistair had not lain with her. "I'm sure it wasn't pathetic." Wishing he could bite out his tongue.

"I …... wasn't who …... she wanted." Alistair closed his eyes relaxing against Carver, lulled by his fingers moving soothingly through his hair.

Carver shifted slightly and in a moment of boldness pressed his lips to Alistair's forehead. "There are people who do want you." He felt Alistair tense. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

They sat in silence for several minutes. "Carver."

"Yes?" Carver felt his heart pound as Alistair's fingers interlocked with his.

"Like you...a lot."

Carver felt as though his smile filled his whole face. "Like me or _like_ me?" He felt Alistair spasm and clutched him tight. "Just keep breathing Alistair." His deep moan of pain sent terror racing through Carver. "Alistair don't you dare die, I love you do you hear me!" His panicked voice high pitched and trembling. Alistair's hand slipped from his, his eyes closed. "Alistair! Alistair!" He turned as he heard a booming sound and the rock pulled away from them, Anders coming into sight. "Anders help him!"

Anders paled seeing his brother and sank to his knees beside him. "Alistair!" Anders hands flared with blue pulsing energy; Alistair giving a stuttering breath, his eyes remaining closed.

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. Thank you as well to those who have favourited and are following. Reviews are always appreciated. _


	8. Agony In Orlais

Anora sat staring out of the window; her face pale, her eyes bloodshot. She had known her husband was a fool when she married him, but she had no idea he could be so cruel. She clenched her fists and shuddered; imagining Ferelden, fearing for the country she loved and the people she missed.

Memories crowded her mind; slowly torturing her with what should have been, but never was. From a young age she believed her destiny was to be Queen of Ferelden, but more specifically Cailan Theirin's wife and felt again the heart wrenching pain she had experienced the day Cailan married. He had been her first love and she had always assumed they would remain together. They were a good match, but Delilah had stolen Cailan's heart and Anora had settled for doing her duty. She sighed dismally. Word had reached her that the Queen had perished. As much as she had been angry with Delilah, she had not wished her dead. In the weeks after her own wedding she wished she had followed Elissa Cousland's example as the only other Teyrn's daughter and refused the political match, but she was ever the dutiful daughter and would do what her country needed her to do.

Anora clasped her hands in her lap. She had attempted to gather support for Ferelden and had been horrified when her husband had refused to send troops and it was her rage when he had closed the borders that had landed her in her current predicament. She was locked in the tower. Her maid still attended her and she was afforded every comfort, but that was little consolation when she knew Ferelden was saturated with the blood of her countrymen. Before her incarceration she had sent messages to Weisshaupt and to the Divine herself begging for help for Ferelden. Pointing out if Ferelden fell they would be next, a point that her husband was apparently blind and deaf too.

Pressing her hands to her stomach, she allowed hot tears to flow. She knew where her husband's anger stemmed from. She had not conceived and he was bitter. She shook her head, such a fool man. In a rage born of desperation she had screamed at him that none of his many lovers had conceived. There had been a terrible silence, Anora mortified that she had lost control. The Emperor had glared at her with unconcealed hatred and she was escorted from the room under heavy guard. Anora had not seen her husband since their argument and that had been two weeks ago.

Anora paced the room restlessly. Her only source of information now was her maid who was eager to pass on gossip and had taken a liking to her Ferelden Mistress. Anora was usually calm; generous and kind, her temper so far had only been directed towards her husband. Anora had discovered from Eliza that correspondence from her father had been kept from her. She had begged her to bring them to her; but as much as Eliza wished to please her mistress, she would not go against the Emperor, so Anora was left to imagine what the parchments contained.

For weeks Eliza had spoken breathlessly of the young Warden Commander who had risked his life by jumping onto the tail of the Archdemon, trying to find a way to bring it down. She spoke of his courage and how handsome he was reported to be, her eyes gleaming with undisguised awe. Anora wondered if he still lived. She had met Alistair briefly before her own marriage, startled by his resemblance to Cailan and had quickly discovered he was Maric's bastard. She had been surprised to hear that he had been made Commander, but he had proven himself and united a country at odds with itself. War had clearly made a man of him. Anora sighed and leaned against the wall. Despite everything he had accomplished, his efforts had simply not been enough. Eliza did her best to gather what information she could and Anora knew it would be reliable. She had no doubt that her father would be doing everything he could to support Alistair and with his wealth of experience she felt sure the two of them working together would find a way to free Ferelden from the grip of the Archdemon.

The door opened, Eliza entering with a tray of food. "What word is there?" Anora ignored the food, too anxious for news.

"Nothing my lady. The Wardens continue to watch and wait. The Emperor continues to keep the borders closed." She flushed. "He has become more zealous in his pursuit of the ladies of the court. I believe he seeks to prove you wrong and produce a child."

Anora clicked her tongue impatiently. "Fool man. Any word from Ferelden?"

Eliza shook her head. "All is quiet my lady. I fear those that were left have perished."

Anora shook her head. "They live still."

"My lady it is good to have hope, but perhaps you should prepare yourself for the worst."

Anora shook her head. "Someone yet lives. If they were all dead the Archdemon would be breathing down our necks and not still roaming Ferelden."

**xXx**

The Divine re-read the parchment and sighed deeply. The Emperor's wife was an astute woman; it was a shame the Emperor was proving to be be a bigger fool than even she had estimated, more concerned with satisfying his baser appetites than protecting his country. She moved to the desk and began to write.

One letter was to the First Warden committing Seekers; Templars and Mages to the cause, urging them to move into Ferelden before there was no longer a country to save. She pointed out the rumours that a small group still lived, but they would not hold out forever and their chances were slim to none of surviving. How could one small group survive when an army had fallen?

The second letter was to the Emperor advising him that it would be in his best interests to commit Chevaliers to support Ferelden and to reopen their border.

She sealed both parchments and gave them into the care of her most trusted messengers. She knew they were too late, that Ferelden could not be saved and she regretted that it had taken the actions of the Emperor's wife to stir her to action.

She knelt on the floor of her chamber before the statue of Andraste and began to pray. She prayed for Ferelden; for the Warden Commander and his small group, for the Emperor and for Thedas. "Maker do not forsake us as we have forsaken Ferelden. Help your children to make amends for their inaction." She bowed her head, praying long into the night.

**xXx**

Riordan paced the corridors of Montsimmard in fury; moving onto the battlements, the icy wind stealing his breath from him. This forced inaction was driving him to distraction and he wanted nothing more than to cross the border with Wardens and Chevaliers and deal with the threat looming on the horizon. Just as the borders were closed coming into Orlais, they were also closed from Orlais to Ferelden.

Riordan had tried to enter Ferelden on several occasions and each had failed. The Emperor had demanded he desist his attempts and the First Warden had forced him to comply. He relied on whatever scraps of news he could obtain, but they were becoming more infrequent.

Kristoff moved to his side. "The Archdemon is our duty, why are we still here?"

Riordan sighed. "Maker knows Kristoff, I cannot fathom their reasoning." He gave a soft growl. "Though I have my suspicions."

Kristoff glanced to his brother Warden and friend and nudged him. "Tell me."

Riordan rubbed his chin and sighed. "The Emperor of Orlais and the First Warden have been lovers. It is my belief that the Emperor wanted Ferelden on its knees before the Wardens moved in, and he used his influence to ensure a long enough delay."

Kristoff glared into the night, fury clenching his fists. He had also heard rumours of the affair, but had paid little attention. "If that is the truth of it, there will be no country left for the Emperor to take."

Riordan exhaled deeply. "We thought them mindless monsters, but their actions in Ferelden have proved otherwise. They deliberately went after the women long before there was any sign of a horde. They planned this. I believe it has gone too far and neither the Emperor or the first Warden are willing to face the truth. We have abandoned Ferelden and its people and no acts of reparation will ever remove that stain from us."

Kristoff lowered his eyes, swallowed hard and turned to Riordan. "The last reports indicated people moving to Soldiers Peak, we should join them there."

Riordan shook his head. "The Emperor was very clear that anyone trying to enter Ferelden would be stopped, by any means necessary. For the moment at least Ferelden remains on its own."

"We are failing in our duty!" Kristoff roared angrily.

Riordan gripped his shoulder. "I feel it too, but we would not honour those lost by dying trying to cross the border. I have written to the Divine, she is an honourable woman and I hope with her influence we can get things moving."

Kristoff pulled a face and stormed back into the building. A week later his body was returned to the Warden Compound, having been killed attempting to sneak across the border.


	9. Recovery

Alistair slowly opened his eyes fear gripping him when he realised he couldn't move from the neck down. He turned his head; at least he could do that. Carver was sitting in the chair next to the bed at what appeared to be an extremely uncomfortable angle.

"Carver!"

Carver leapt out of the chair, groaning and rubbing his neck before realising Alistair was awake. "Alistair! Don't panic, Anders put a paralysis spell on you. There was so much damage and you were thrashing around something awful."

Alistair closed his eyes, smiling as Carvers fingers gently ran through his hair. "That's unfair." Alistair murmured softly.

Carver grinned. "Oh, why's that?"

"I can't move." Alistair's eyes fluttered open as he felt Carvers breath on his lips.

"You can move your lips." Carver whispered; lowering his head until their lips almost touched, pulling back sharply as the door opened, Alistair only just suppressing the soft moan of protest.

"So how's my patient?" Anders face was pale, dark circles beneath his eyes with worry and lack of sleep.

"I was better a few seconds ago."

Anders raised an eyebrow glancing at Carvers flushed cheeks and chuckled. "Then I shall make my checks quick Commander."

Carver moved beside the window never taking his eyes from Alistair.

Alistair watched Anders face, he could tell a lot from his brother's eyes and the way his mouth would twitch. "So, what was the damage?"

Anders perched on the edge of the bed taking hold of Alistair's wrist and feeling his pulse, nodding to himself. "A nasty head wound; various wounds and bruising to your chest and arms, but the most worrying injury was to your lower back."

Alistair watched him nervously. "And?"

Anders smiled. "And you're bloody lucky you have such an awesome brother. The damage looked worse than it was, though you have been out cold for three days. There was some internal bleeding, but once that was under control and the armour was removed from your back I was able to fix you up." Anders let his mask slip. "I thought we were going to lose you." His voice trembled slightly. "I like having you around, no more getting crushed."

Alistair closed his eyes. "I'll do my best."

"I'll take the paralysis spell from you, but no vigorous activity." Anders turned to Carver giving him a piercing look.

Alistair chuckled at Carver whose cheeks were so red he looked ready to explode. "I'll be careful." He groaned in pain as he tried to sit up, almost embarrassed when Anders and Carver moved to help him. He let out a shuddering breath. "How long will it take for me to get back into fighting condition?"

"A few weeks at least." He raised an eyebrow at Alistair's grimace. "Alistair an injury like that needs time to heal; it's not something that can be fixed overnight, but you heal remarkably quickly and you have the best healer in Ferelden." Anders grinned smugly.

"Yeh, Merrill is damn good." Alistair teased, though his mind was working furiously having to readjust his planning.

Anders shook his head pretending to look distraught. "I am unappreciated in my time." He turned to leave startled when Alistair reached out for him, a moan of pain leaving his lips. "Don't over stretch yourself!" Anders chided.

"Thanks Anders, for everything."

"What are younger brothers for." He slipped out of the room, winking at Carver whose flush deepened.

Alistair closed his eyes waiting for the spasm of pain to stop and felt the dip in the bed and the heat of Carver's body next to him. Slowly he opened his eyes, his breath catching at the undisguised emotion on Carvers face.

Carver chewed his lip nervously. "Did you hear what I said before you passed out?"

Alistair had a hazy recollection. "You told me to keep breathing and not to die."

Carver swallowed hard. "Did you hear me say anything else?"

Alistair wasn't sure how to reply. He thought he had heard Carver say he loved him, but assumed that was of his own imagining. "I'm not sure." Alistair watched as Carver stood and paced the room before sitting back down and then getting up to pace again. "Carver for the love of the Maker please sit still."

Carver winced and returned to sit next to him, suddenly clasping Alistair's hand and leaning so close their lips were almost touching. "I told you I loved you, you infuriating man." He closed the gap between them closing his eyes as he pressed his lips to Alistair's. He felt his whole body tremble as Alistair responded, felt his heart almost explode as he felt the soft pressure of a curious tongue and welcomed the exploration, sinking into the warmth of Alistair's mouth. Carver was aware of a soft moan, but had no idea if it was from himself or Alistair and realised he didn't care. One hand moved to Alistair's jaw, running his fingers across the stubble as he relaxed into the kiss, tasting Alistair's mouth and wanting more. He felt Alistair's fingers gently pressing against his neck urging him closer. He was happy to oblige, the moan that filled his ears his own and he greedily increased the pressure of his kiss, his tongue exploring with more intensity their lips almost melding. When Carver finally drew back he was breathless, his whole body alive with sensation.

Alistair gazed at Carver running his tongue against his lips, swollen with Carvers attention. "I remember." Alistair whispered. "I thought I was hallucinating, or dreaming." He gently cupped Carver's cheek with a trembling hand, having little strength. "Maybe I'm dreaming now."

Carver clasped his hand and pressed a kiss to his palm. "No dream. Just me and you. If you want that."

Alistair gazed at Carver and closed his eyes. "Carver I do, but …."

Carver felt his heart constrict. "But what?"

"We are Wardens. You know what that means."

"Alistair it's a death sentence either way I know that, but I'm damned if I'm going to let it stop me living. Regardless of whether I get to be with you one hour or a lifetime, I want to take whatever time we can have." Carver pressed his lips insistently to Alistair's, relieved when Alistair's response was as feverish as his own. "I love you Alistair. I want us to spend what time we do have together."

Alistair pulled Carver tight to him ignoring the pain as he practically attacked his lips. _I hope one day you will forgive me. _"I want that too." Alistair murmured as he pulled back slightly, his words whispered against Carvers lips.

**xXx**

Alistair gingerly made his way to the war room. Walking was painful, though Anders had assured him it would ease although he had caught him giving a worried look to Zevran, but chose not to pursue it. It had been three days since he had regained consciousness and Anders had finally allowed him to get up. It hadn't been all bad. He allowed a warm smile to drift across his face, having Carver's attention had more than made up for being stuck in bed. He leaned against the wall, frustrated by the weakness that dragged at his limbs. He allowed his thoughts to drift back to Carver, those talented lips and powerful body. Alistair felt a tremble of desire run through him; he had never realised how amazing simply kissing could be, but he wanted more. Maker help him he wanted much more. He moved off again; limping painfully, focusing his attention back on putting one foot in front of the other.

Bryce looked up and smiled when he entered. "Alistair, it's good to see you up and about."

Alistair smiled; gratefully taking the seat offered, wincing as he sat down. "I would imagine I've missed a lot."

Bryce nodded. "The tunnels are almost cleared, we just have one section left and that will hopefully take no more than a week to clear. Keeper Marethari and Merrill have been working on magical enhancements for the Peaks structure, including resistance to fire, should the need arise. The dwarves have been able to make more explosives from whatever stock you had in the cellars. I gave them free rein; I hope you have no objection."

Alistair shook his head. "No objection, anything that will give us an edge."

"We had several groups scout the valley you suggested." He unravelled more detailed maps of the area.

Alistair's mind worked quickly. It gave the perfect high ground and plenty of terrain that was defensible. He pointed to the southern side of the valley. "This would seem to be our best chance. Plenty of high ground and enough space to withdraw without bringing it too close to the Peak."

"Alistair if I may, what is it you intend to do once the Archdemon is in the valley?"

"Damage it as much as we can with weapons; magic, explosives, whatever we have at our disposal. Get it grounded and kill the damned thing."

Bryce rubbed his chin in thought. "If we have archers stationed here and here," He pointed to two ridges that marked a choke point leading into the valley. "If we can somehow get it to come through this point we should be able to get some good shots. Dworkin is working on increasing the explosive yield of arrows. If he can do that a few well placed shots could bring it down."

"If we can take out its wings, we have it."

Bryce eyed him cautiously. "Alistair …. your injury …"

Alistair glanced at the Teyrn. "By the time we are ready I will be fit enough to fight."

"Perhaps it would be best if …... "

"I will be fit enough to fight." Alistair insisted.

Bryce nodded. "As you say."

**xXx**

Loghain eyed the Warden Commander as he limped unsteadily across the courtyard heading towards the Dalish. "Will you ever get anything right?" He snarled.

Alistair hesitated and glanced over, the Teyrn's face dark with hatred. "To what are you referring now Loghain?"

"Urgel's death could not be afforded!"

Alistair felt a spasm clench his heart at the loss of his friend. "His sacrifice will not be in vain."

"Will it not!" He gave Alistair a piercing look. "You are useless to us on the battlefield now." Loghain hissed.

Alistair winced and changed his direction moving slowly over to him, each step tortuous. "It is not ideal, but I will be healed enough for the Archdemon."

Loghain sneered. "Everyone here knows the truth, you will never walk properly again. What are you going to do, ask the Archdemon to hold on while you get to it?"

Alistair clenched his fists. "This isn't about my injury and you know it. This is about Elissa."

"Do not speak her name!" Loghain roared.

"She was my friend and I will speak her name if I wish."

"You didn't deserve her affections."

Alistair gave him a pitying look. "Loghain she didn't love you and your pushing her sent her to me."

Loghain's face darkened with rage. "Liar!"

"I am many things Loghain, but a liar is not one of them. Elissa did not appreciate your attentions and despite making that clear to you, you persisted." He gave a deep sigh, running his hand through his hair. "It started as harmless flirting; she thought if you saw her interest in someone else you would back off. She didn't want me any more than she wanted you, but _you_ kept pushing."

Neither man noticed that people were watching their argument. Eleanor held back her husband and son. "These things need to be said. Should it go too far intervene then."

"She accepted your proposal!" Loghain snarled jealousy and bitterness consuming him. "What could you, a bastard prince offer her that I could not?"

Alistair rubbed his forehead in agitation. "Friendship; love, a life without you harassing her."

Loghain moved closer, his muscles tensing for a fight. "You are nothing! I don't know what you did to turn her from me …"

Loghain didn't get the chance to finish. Alistair ignored the pain that ripped through his body; his former Templar training coming to the forefront, his mind and body disciplined, able to set aside the pain. He grabbed Loghain and jammed him hard against the wall, his face dark with rage. His voice strained with tension, every word laced with frustration. "She didn't love either of us, get over it! We have an Archdemon to deal with. Our country is on its knees and you allow yourself to be consumed by petty jealousy. Get your head screwed on Loghain; our enemy is the Darkspawn, if we keep fighting among ourselves the Archdemon has already won. Now I've made mistakes and I take ownership of each one. There isn't a night that goes passed when I don't see the faces of the dead; the people I failed, but this plan will work and should we still be standing after the Archdemon is dead I will be happy to duel you, but until then back off."

Loghain wanted to rip Alistair apart with his bare hands, but he suddenly realised Bryce and Renden were moving towards them and their looks were very clear, he had gone too far. "So be it." He snarled, shocked that he couldn't release himself from Alistair's grip.

"Are we done here?" Alistair hissed.

"For now."

Alistair backed away, every movement causing agony he refused to show. No-one approached him as he resumed his walk towards the Dalish, knowing he would refuse their help while Loghain watched him. Alistair made it to Marethari's tent and collapsed; Merrill holding him as he shook with pain, burying his face against her shoulder as he gritted his teeth trying to suppress the tears. Merrill slowly flowed her magic through him, Marethari sending Tarren to get Anders while she put together a potion.

Merrill began to sing softly as she ran her fingers through his hair, relieved when the tension began to ease. "He is a fool." She whispered softly in Alistair's ear.

"He's in pain, but I can't ….." Alistair hissed at the spasm of pain, shuddering violently as Merrill continued to sooth him. As his body relaxed again, Alistair slumped against her. "I'm so tired of his hate."

Merrill gently kissed his forehead and helped him to drink the potion Marethari handed to her. "Drink this, it will help."

Alistair drank the liquid surprised by the sweet taste and gave a sigh of relief as the pain eased. "Thank you."

Marethari knelt beside him. "This potion must be used sparingly; consumed frequently it will leave you insensible, but it is extremely effective for infrequent use. I will create some for the battle when it comes if you wish."

Alistair nodded. "Thank you Marethari, I would appreciate that."

They glanced up as Anders made his way into the tent, followed by an anxious Carver who knelt beside Alistair gently cupping his cheek. "Are you..."

"I'm fine." Alistair whispered suddenly feeling exhausted. "I just reached my limit with Loghain was all." He allowed Carver to help him to his feet, wincing as he rolled back his shoulders.

Anders and Marethari spoke briefly, before the brothers and Carver made their way back into the building. Alistair moving slowly, but steadier on his feet than he had been. He was going to go to the war room but Carver gently guided him towards the stairs. Alistair raised an eyebrow, unable to help the cheeky grin. "We going somewhere in particular Carver?"

Carver gave him an equally cheeky smile. "Yes Commander."

Alistair chuckled softly and sank onto his bed as Carver closed the door. He winced painfully and was startled when Carver gently removed his tunic. "What, no kissing first?"

Carver flushed and nudged him playfully. "On your stomach Commander."

Alistair moved onto his stomach feeling nerves add to the tension in his body. Moments later as Carver's strong hands gently began to knead out the knots in the muscles of his back Alistair allowed himself to relax, giving soft sighs of appreciation as he felt the tension ease. "You have wonderful hands Carver." He mumbled into the pillow.

Carver smiled happily and carefully leaned over placing soft kisses to Alistair's neck, feeling his stomach tighten at the soft moan of pleasure.

"Wonderful lips too." Alistair mumbled as Carver slowly traced the ridges of muscle with his lips, lingering on scars as he continued to tease out the knotted muscles. He gingerly turned himself; gently pulling Carver against him, sinking into blue eyes before reaching for those lips that set his body on fire. Alistair's kiss was slow at first; a tender meeting of lips, breath mingling as his tongue danced lightly against Carvers lips before sinking into a welcoming mouth. Carvers moan stirred his blood and their kiss became one of hunger and desire. Alistair ran his fingers through Carver's hair pulling him closer. "Carver." It was a breathless request, his eyes dark with need.

Carver pulled back slightly, his body aching with want. "Alistair; it's too soon, your injury..." He trailed off under the intense stare. His body trembled and he resumed their kiss, pressing Alistair against the bed, trailing his lips across the scar at his throat. He felt Alistair tense, but continued to kiss the length of the scar. "I've waited so long to show you how much I love you." Carver whispered.

Alistair felt the tremble move through his body, his voice husky when he spoke. "Show me."

Carver grinned wickedly. "Is that an order Commander?"

Alistair shook his head, cupping Carvers face and drawing him in for a deep kiss. "No orders. I just …. I just want to be with you."

Carver's face lit up, his heart feeling as though it would burst. "I love you Ali..." Cut off as Alistair drew him in for another kiss.

**xXx**

Alistair gazed at Carver who was sleeping in his arms. His whole body was aching; but he didn't care, still floating in the euphoria of finally being with Carver. He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, smiling as Carver nestled closer to him. Alistair smiled, clasping Carvers hand that had come to rest on his chest. "No matter what happens we will always have this night together and that's something the Archdemon can't take away." His spoke for himself; but Carver shifted in his sleep, the words working their way through to his dreams.

"Love you Ali." Carver mumbled.

Alistair raised an eyebrow a smile curling his lips. "Ali huh."

Carver sighed in his sleep and smiled broadly. "My Ali."

Alistair chuckled and allowed himself to close his eyes, Carvers reassuring presence chasing his nightmares away.


	10. Waiting

Alistair paced the war room anxiously waiting for the scout groups to return. He hated the inability to go with them and despite knowing they would be gone for several days he continued to pace, his anxiety increasing with each passing moment. Carver, Garrett and Aedan were each leading a group to take out the final nests and lock down the remaining tunnels. The three Wardens were kept separate now in the hopes that if the worst happened, there would still be at least one left.

Loghain had muttered bitterly that in reality there were only two Wardens with any ability to take down the Archdemon. Alistair had ignored him, but as night drew in and he thought of Carver and Garrett in the tunnels fighting the brood mothers he was sick with fear and anxiety. The pain in his back and legs never ceased, a deep bone ache accompanied by stabbing pains as the damaged nerves attempted to repair themselves. He shook his head; he may have been slowed down, but he was still perfectly capable of putting a sword through the damn things head.

In frustration with himself he went out into the training ground and slowly coaxed his body into working through his long practiced sword moves, wincing with each pull and protest of his damaged muscles and ligaments. He felt weak and exhausted in minutes; his body refusing to cooperate, his sword feeling almost too heavy to lift. He leaned against a wall, his body trembling with exertion.

Merrill who had been unable to sleep wandered over to Alistair allowing a little regeneration to relieve the ache in his exhausted limbs. He smiled in gratitude and leaned on the fence, glancing up as she pushed back his hair. "You look tired." She murmured.

"I don't exactly sleep well these days Merrill."

"Carver will be fine."

Alistair glanced to her, swallowing hard. "I'm worried about them all. I should be with them."

Merrill smiled and patted his arm. "All will be well Alistair. You'll see."

Alistair nodded. "Merrill; the potions Marethari gave me, how many could I take before I lose myself?"

Merrill chewed her lip thoughtfully. "I wouldn't take more than two more."

"This insensibility, would it take effect straight away?"

Merrill frowned. "When the effects of the potion wears off there would be distinct impairment to your ability to think, to rationalise."

"But while the effects of the potion last I would still be myself and the pain would be reduced."

"Yes, but if you take too much..."

"Merrill I need you to trust me and get me as much of the potion as you can."

Shaking her head Merrill gripped his hand. "No Alistair, I will get you two potions but no more. I won't lose you because you feel you have to prove Loghain wrong."

Alistair gently squeezed her hand. "Merrill this is not about Loghain; this is about finishing what I started, about taking down the Archdemon before it ends us. You know as well as I that only a Warden can end this."

"Yes but..."

"Merrill trust me please."

"I do trust you, but this potion …."

"Is what I need to do the job Merrill. We will only get one chance and I need to be able to do my part."

Merrill didn't bother to stop the tears slipping down her cheeks. "You don't intend to survive this do you?"

Alistair smiled gently and cupped her cheek pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I am the Warden Commander Merrill; it is my duty to stop the Archdemon, however I can. That I have lived this long is something of a miracle. Help me Merrill. Help me to finish this so that one day people can call Ferelden a home again."

Merrill sniffed miserably. "Couldn't you just be selfish for once?"

Alistair laughed gently. "I am being selfish Merrill. If I don't do this then Carver will."

Merrill gazed at him wide eyed and wrapped her arms around his neck hugging him tightly. "I will help you Alistair, because you are my friend and because in your place I would do the same."

Alistair smiled and held her close. "Thank you Merrill."

**xXx**

Oren watched his father and grandfather as they moved around the Peak ensuring the defences were as efficient as they could be and speaking with Loghain and Howe about their resources. He noticed the Warden Commander on the battlements and felt an excited flutter. He scrambled from where he was seated and climbed the battlement to stand next to him.

Alistair glanced down and smiled. "Oren."

"Warden Commander." He said respectfully.

Alistair grinned. "You can call me Alistair."

Oren beamed. "Can I be a Warden some day?"

Alistair glanced towards the valley, his eyes darkening slightly. "You would not prefer to become a knight?"

Oren shook his head. "I want to be a Warden, battling the Archdemon and Darkspawn."

Alistair sighed and with a wince of pain knelt down beside the boy. "Oren it may seem exciting to be a Warden, but it is a dangerous life and not one I would wish for you."

Oren stared at him startled. "But I can fight and I will practise really hard and get better."

Alistair smiled and gripped his shoulder squeezing affectionately. "I know you will; but Ferelden will need you to lead her people, to help the land heal. Being a Warden is no game, when you are older if you still want to be a Warden I'm sure they would be proud to have you."

Oren looked crestfallen. "But you don't think I should be a Warden?"

Alistair pulled Oren closer, tilting his chin so he could see his eyes. "Oren you are brave and good and you will find your path, but I hope it is not as a Warden. For Wardens there is only death and I wish you life."

Oren suddenly hugged Alistair's neck before pulling back and smiling. "I'm going to practice with my sword." He darted off. "I will defeat you Darkspawn!" He shrieked stabbing at the air with his wooden sword.

Alistair shook his head and flushed as Oriana approached him. "I didn't encourage that."

Oriana smiled. "I heard. He is a boy and does not understand, but one day he will remember your words and perhaps even take notice of them." They stood on the battlements glancing out to the valley. "Thank you Alistair, for trying."

Alistair glanced towards her, knowing she meant more than simply his chat with Oren. "I will stop the Archdemon Oriana, I swear it."

**xXx**

Alistair spent the next three days scouring the maps and speaking to those who had been to the Valley. He needed height and lots of coverage. It seemed the Maker was for once on his side when Ethalis was able to describe and show him on the map something that sounded perfect for his needs. He hid the potions Merrill had given him, glancing at the five vials that seemed to swirl with a dark green liquid. He hoped it would be enough, Merrill did not dare make more for fear the keeper would discover what she had done. Alistair also spent time checking on Wade and Dworkin. Wade had made substantial repairs and additions both to weapons and armour for everyone at the Peak and Dworkin and Wade together had come up with exploding arrows with more than their usual kick.

Voldrik also wandered over while they were talking and showed him plans for huge crossbows that would be armed and activated by teams of five, but if built in strategic positions would give them another advantage. There were more than enough materials to build them and Alistair request they get started immediately.

Wade moved over to the Commander. "If you are open to suggestions Commander, I have several runes that could be used to enhance your sword."

Alistair unsheathed the sword at his waist; Duncan's favoured weapon, gazing at the blade that had served him well. He smiled and handed it to Wade. "Use your discretion Wade, but make sure it can pierce dragon scale and bone."

Wade nodded and smiled. "As you wish Commander."

**xXx**

Alistair sank into a restless sleep, tormented by the Archdemon as it stalked through his dreams, rifling through his memories, dragging Alistair through the worst moments of his life, reliving the moments those he loved died around him.

The Archdemon was determined to break the Commander, without him what little was left in Ferelden would be extinguished and he could turn his sights elsewhere. The world was his; but he couldn't leave the Commander alive, the thorn in his side had to die. Deep within the Archdemon there was also the untamed rage that Alistair had openly challenged him and lived. He was a constant reminder that Urthemiel was not as powerful as he had been.

Alistair woke with a start hearing footsteps in the corridor. He moved out of bed and splashed his face with cool water glancing at the mirror, startled by how haggard he looked. He hadn't shaved in three days; the signs of his lack of sleep had become deep bruises beneath his eyes. He ran his hand through his tangled hair realising as his stomach growled that he hadn't eaten all day. Pulling on breeches and a tunic he limped off down the corridor to the kitchens, yawning loudly and trying to ignore the protest of his muscles.

The corridors were silent and dark; but there were moments when Alistair would see a shimmer, or voices of the past would echo through the halls. They had cleared out the demons, but some ghosts it seemed had remained. Alistair settled down at the table with a plateful of food he hadn't paid attention too and ate in silence, his mind wandering as always to Carver and praying to the Maker that he would make it back safe. An ache in his chest slowly grew until he pushed aside the plate and simply stared at his hands. Being with Carver made him feel alive again; made him want to live, want to build a life with them together and he knew that would never happen. He clenched and unclenched his fists trying to relieve the tension. He should stop this before it went too far, but he knew it was already too late. Part of him demanded to have what time he could get with his fellow Warden, another part raging at his selfishness and the pain Carver would likely feel when he was no longer there. Alistair stood up sharply, gripping the table as pain surged through his body making him gasp. He slowly limped back to his room and collapsed on the bed, the pain like fire moving through his body. He closed his eyes; allowing the Archdemon to sense his injury, feel his pain. Alistair knew his plan would work best if the Archdemon thought him defenceless and defeated.

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Apologies for the delay, for some reason I struggled with writing this chapter until yesterday when it suddenly seemed to flow. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. _


	11. Reminiscing

The three groups had spent days in darkened tunnels and had returned to the peak covered in gore, aching and exhausted. Alistair could barely contain his relief. There were multiple injuries, but thankfully no fatalities. As the groups separated to get cleaned up and have some well-earned rest he found himself pulled to one side, Carvers lips hungrily devouring his own. Alistair chuckled against the kiss. "Nice to have you back."

"Nice to be back." Carver murmured kissing him again, before taking his hand and pulling him gently to the room they were now sharing.

Alistair helped him out of his armour, noticing several new wounds that were sure to scar. Carver shrugged out of his tunic and small clothes and sank into the bath Alistair had already prepared.

"Ali you're a wonderful man!" Carver murmured, sighing in pleasure as the warm water lapped around his aching muscles. He glanced up startled as Alistair's fingers started to massage his scalp, lathering his hair and rinsing out the remnants of battle. Carver felt the deep rumble of satisfaction build in his chest, coming out as something like a purr.

Alistair chuckled. "I didn't realise it would be so easy to make you happy."

Carver gave him a wicked grin. "Get in here and I'll be happier."

Alistair placed a kiss on his now wet but clean hair and shook his head. "Have you seen that water!"

Carver grimaced and washed himself off as Alistair sat on the edge of the bed. "It went well." Toweling himself off before grabbing breeches and tunic. "Not as many nests as we feared." He glanced at Alistair who was listening intently. "Missed you out there." Carver murmured moving over to his love. "I didn't realise how much I took your presence for granted." He sat next to Alistair seeking his lips, sighing as Alistair returned his passion. "Maybe I shouldn't have bothered to get dressed." He mumbled huskily.

Alistair smiled warmly. "I was thinking the same myself."

Carver sank into Alistair embrace, their kiss making both men moan softly. He grinned; this was worth battling Darkspawn, knowing he was coming back to Alistair. He realised Alistair was tugging on his tunic and he chuckled softly, it looked like the drink he promised Oghren would have to wait.

**xXx**

Oghren thumped the table and raised his tankard of ale. "Bout time Carver, you owe me a drink!"

Carver grinned. "What about all those drinks you've promised me you grumpy son of a nug!"

Oghren belched loudly. "Yeh well, you can't hold your drink anyway."

Carver raised an eyebrow. "Oh dwarf it is so on!"

Alistair shook his head and settled down at the table, relaxing into the laughter and teasing of the men needing a moment to remind themselves what they were fighting for, that life wasn't just about being knee deep in Darkspawn corpses. Alistair allowed himself to relax, and enjoy the whisky and ale. He felt the warmth of it pool in his stomach and joined the others in several hands of Wicked Grace.

Aedan won his second game and Zevran complimented him on his skills. Aedan feigned innocence, but Alistair nudged his arm, several cards falling out of his sleeve. The table burst into laughter and Aedan grinned and ensured everyone had a drink to make up for cheating, or rather to pay the penalty for getting caught.

"Now Leliana could play this game. So damn fast I never saw her cheat, but she won me every time!" Aedan murmured affectionately.

"Ah my friend, she was simply lulling you into her charms." Zevran purred.

"More like her bed!" Oghren chuckled. "Damn you two were noisy!"

Aedan felt his cheeks burn crimson and then laughed. "What can I say we enjoyed ourselves."

"That was obvious." Anders chuckled.

"Hey if we are going to talk about noise you and Zev could wake the whole camp, and frequently did!"

"It was merely to drown out your lustful cries my friend and give everyone something else to listen to." Zevran chuckled.

"Wynne was always glad of the nights you lot were exhausted and went straight to sleep. She said silence was golden!" Garrett teased.

"Ah Wynne. Such a magnificent bosom, she never would allow me to rest my head upon it." Zevran gave a mock wistful sigh, chuckling as Anders elbowed him playfully in the ribs.

"She simply missed Duncan." Merrill said softly, joining the group and picking up a card. The entire table fell silent and turned to her.

"Wynne had a thing for Duncan?" Anders spluttered.

Merrill gave him a cheeky grin. "Anders; Duncan and Wynne could make more noise than you, Zevran, Aedan and Leliana combined. However _they_ chose discretion."

"Well I'll be a nug uncle." Oghren spluttered. "The crafty buggers kept that quiet!"

"Not quite." Alistair chuckled at the memories of the pair. He and Elissa had worked hard to keep the others from finding out to give them privacy for what little time they had together.

"You knew!" Anders threw down his cards in disgust.

"You don't think I had that many cheese emergencies did you!"

"I thought that was just so you and Elissa could spend time together." Anders chuckled before hesitating and glancing at his brother anxiously fearing mention of his former love would send him into a depression.

Alistair shrugged. "Elissa was more creative than I could ever be, damn that woman had a devious mind!"

Aedan smiled at the memories of his sister. "She was always a devious creature, could get herself out of any trouble and usually land me or Fergus in it." He chuckled. "She had father wrapped around her little finger, but luckily for us mother could see right through her." He grinned as Fergus sat down next to him, and dealt him in.

"She was a minx." Fergus's face lit with an affectionate smile. He glanced to Alistair and grinned raising his glass. "To my sister, may she be causing trouble wherever she is."

Alistair smiled and raised his glass along with the others. "May she have finally found what she was looking for." He whispered under his breath, smiling as Carver gently squeezed his thigh.

Serac wandered over to the table and took a seat next to Oghren. "Aye that woman had fire, or so Urgel always said." He glanced to Alistair. "Said she would kick your ass when you needed it."

Alistair raised an eyebrow. "Yeh, I guess she did."

Serac grinned. "Urgel thought you two were going to come to blows over the succession."

Alistair ran his fingers through his hair. "I was naive and thought the best man was the best man. Turns out sometimes you need a complete bastard in charge to make positive change."

Serac gave a throaty chuckle. "Bhelen isn't the diplomat Harrowmont was; but he knows how to get things done and he's united our people, something I never thought would happen in my lifetime. The castless aren't castless anymore. By the Paragons that took the nobility by surprise." He shook his head still laughing. "They almost pissed themselves when he told them what he intended."

"I take it he's still breathing then." Alistair grinned.

"Oh yeh, it will take more than a dose of poison to kill that one I'll wager. Urgel was impressed with you though, and it's not many who can say that."

"He was a good friend." Alistair said softly, staring into his ale, feeling the weight of grief in his heart. He glanced up startled as Serac gripped his shoulder.

"He gave his life so we could get the job done. I say the Archdemon won't know what hit him and when you get him here, however in the Void you're going to do that. I say we tear the bloody thing apart and show it why it should fear us."

Alistair nodded. "I'll drink to that."

**xXx**

Finally Alistair's injury took its toll and he handed over what money he owed and made his excuses.

Zevran grinned and as Carver moved passed him to join Alistair; he passed a flask containing all he had left of Antivan brandy. "The Commander deserves a little treat, no." He purred.

Carver smiled warmly. "Thanks Zev."

"My pleasure my friend."

Carver stoked the fire and poured the brandy into two glasses passing one to Alistair as he settled onto one of the chairs angled towards the fireplace. He was startled when Alistair moved to sit between his legs on the floor, dragging a pillow with him to make it more comfortable, resting his head on Carvers knee.

Alistair smiled as Carver automatically began to run his fingers through his hair. He eyed the brandy and took a sip. "Zev has good taste." He murmured. "Perhaps this will keep the demon at bay tonight."

Carver tensed. "You're having demon troubles?"

Alistair tilted his head and glanced to Carver. "Just the Archdemon kind."

Carver relaxed slightly. "Yeh, the nightmares can be unsettling."

Alistair took another sip, a shudder moving through his body. He stared at the flames before closing his eyes, unconsciously moving closer to Carver.

Carver felt the shift and was surprised at the feeling of vulnerability that he sensed from Alistair. "What's going on Ali?"

"He won't leave me alone." His voice choked on the emotion surging through him. He was thoroughly drunk; his tongue loosened with the alcohol, he would never be speaking of this otherwise.

Carver growled softly. _I'm going to kill Loghain! What has that bastard done now!_ "Tell me Ali."

"I don't know how much more I can take. Maybe it's because I ended up as Commander that his focus is on me. I'm so tired Carver, of it all. I'm tired of making mistakes, of not knowing what to do for the best. Everything I've done has fallen apart."

Carver eased onto the floor behind Alistair wrapping his arms around him, pulling him tight back to his chest, swearing to himself he was going to get up close and personal with Loghain and make the man pay. "You're not alone Ali. We are facing impossible odds and are still alive and that is down to you."

"He haunts my dreams, showing me all of the awful things he's going to do."

Carver frowned in confusion. "Ali, who are you talking about?"

"The Archdemon." He murmured; his head resting on Carvers shoulder, his limbs growing heavy as the alcohol settled through his body.

Carver swallowed hard. The Archdemon was a nightly visitor to both Garrett and himself, but only as some ghost like form roaring and snarling. "What has he been showing you?" Carver asked nervously.

Alistair relaxed into the warm embrace. He cherished these moments with Carver, when he could be himself and let down his guard, though that didn't stop his guilt. He shook his head. "This is unfair on you; I'm your Commander, I should not burden you with these things."

Carver hugged Alistair tighter to his chest. "When are you going to understand that when we are alone you are not my Commander, you are the man I love and helping you with these burdens is something I do willingly?"

Alistair twisted himself slightly and gently pressed his lips to Carvers. "Maker I'm a lucky man." Alistair shook his head, his eyes closing sleepily. "I'll protect you Carver, promise." He mumbled as he drifted into an alcohol fuelled sleep.

Carver's eyes widened slightly and he gently got him to the bed and lay next to him, smiling when Alistair moved into his arms. He thought of the Archdemon, of the burden that rested on them all. He gazed lovingly at Alistair knowing he would do anything to protect the man he loved. He placed a soft kiss to Alistair's temple. "I think it's about time you let me protect you."

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. Let me know your thoughts, reviews are always appreciated. _


	12. Dark Nights

_The Archdemon moved through the reddish mist now surrounding Alistair, as he clung to Elissa's body begging her forgiveness. Alistair turned sharply feeling the hot breath on his neck, keeping himself between the dragon and Elissa. _

"_**She is dead. You should be more concerned with your own survival."**_

"_I will end this!" Alistair growled. _

"_**You are nothing Warden Commander." **__The hiss seeming to slide through Alistair's mind making him wince. __**"Your pitiful efforts mean nothing to me. Ferelden is mine and soon you will be nothing but ash." **_

_Alistair groaned as the Archdemon forced images into his mind. Anders screaming in pain as a shriek tore into his face and ripped deep gouges into his chest. Zevran desperately trying to save his love and crushed within the grasp of an ogre. He saw Garrett fall under the assault of a troop of Hurlocks. "I will never let you hurt them!"_

"_**You could not stop me before." **__The image of Leliana in flames assaulting his mind. His brother Wardens who had given their lives on top of Fort Drakon and his sisters in arms who had fallen foul of the Darkspawn in the worst way imaginable. __**"You cannot stop me now."**_

_Alistair felt it delving into his mind, a deep laugh making him clutch his head as he tried not to think of Carver. The Archdemon lowered its head and stared Alistair in the eyes. He poured into his mind images of Carver helpless and slowly being eaten alive. _

_Alistair screamed and thrashed trying desperately to wake. He saw Carvers eyes locked on him, he was in so much pain. "I will kill you!" Alistair snarled. _

"_**You can barely lift a sword Commander. I will enjoy tearing you apart."**_

_He felt pain at his wrists and a pulling sensation, the Archdemon's roar of fury following him out of the Fade. _

Alistair shoved hard against the pressure holding him down; falling to his knees on the floor in the process, dry retching, his hands pressed to his chest, his heart pounding so fiercely he thought it would burst. Alistair shakily leaned against the bed his eyes closed, trying to calm himself with deep breaths. Slowly he opened his eyes, focusing on Carver who was kneeling beside him watching him cautiously.

"You were screaming." He said by way of explanation.

Alistair nodded. "Sorry."

Carver inched forward gently brushing Alistair's hair from his eyes. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

Carver swallowed. "Do … do you want me to leave?"

Alistair met his eyes and shivered. "No."

Carver smiled softly and helped Alistair to his feet leading him over to the fire and sitting him on a comfortable chair. He knelt beside him talking softly about inconsequential things until Alistair slowly relaxed.

**xXx**

The valley was covered in snow, but the dwarven teams had worked quickly and two of the huge crossbows had been built on opposite ledges flanking the valley. The high ground Ethalis had suggested was just back from the crossbows. Alistair felt his heart thump in anticipation, this would work. There were plenty of sections within the rock face for archers to hide. The crossbows were too open to survive long, but if they at least managed to wound the Archdemon it would help.

"I think we stand a chance." Aedan murmured as he moved to stand next to his friend.

Alistair nodded. "The ground squads should be on either side of the valley. Carver and Garrett separated, just in case."

"And where will you be?"

Alistair glanced up at the crossbows and gave a grim look of determination. "I'll be making sure the damn thing gets here."

"Alistair how in the Void are you going to do that?"

Alistair glanced to his friend and gripped his shoulder. "I'm a Warden Aedan. It's what we do."

"Well make sure you are somewhere with cover."

Alistair turned from his friend afraid he would see his intent and nodded. "Of course."

Aedan smiled satisfied, Alistair had fallen hard for Carver and Aedan was reassured that he would do his best to keep himself alive for him at least.

**xXx**

Alistair lay on the bed with his head on Carvers chest, sighing softly as Carver ran his fingers through the silky strands of dark blond hair.

Carver shifted slightly. "Perhaps running into the Darkspawn horde by yourself wasn't your best plan."

Alistair smiled. "It was hardly a horde! Besides I make a good distraction."

Carver let out a low chuckle, his eyes twinkling. "I can't disagree there!" They were reminiscing about Orzammar and the moment they had first seen the Archdemon.

Alistair tilted his head to look at Carver, gazing into his piercing blue eyes. "I never thought I could be this happy, when the world around us is going to the Void."

Carver flushed and grinned. "Yeh, sometimes you could almost forget there's an Archdemon out there." Alistair smiled and tenderly kissed Carver, losing themselves in each other. Carver finally drew back; his cheeks flushed his eyes dark with desire. "Maker I want to kick the First Warden's ass!"

Alistair smiled and leaned back on the pillow. "Be my guest. I would love to know why no other Wardens have arrived. I mean they can't think the bloody thing will just stay in Ferelden."

Carver sat up and glanced to Alistair. "We will stop it Ali won't we? I can't bear to think of it destroying anywhere else. I mean what if mother and Bethany made it to Kirkwall and the thing goes there next. We have to stop it here."

Alistair propped himself up on one elbow and drew Carver towards him. "I swear to you Carver; the thing dies in that Valley, we won't let it destroy anywhere else."

Carver swallowed hard. "We've never talked about who actually kills the thing." His eyes filled with tears and he looked down. "Listen Alistair, I … I can't lose you and I couldn't live with myself if Garrett dies so I … I need to do this."

Alistair paled, his hand trembling as he gripped Carvers arm. "Carver …"

"Don't start your Commander bullshit, I'm doing this!"

Alistair caught Carvers lips with his own tasting the salt of his tears. The practised lie falling from his lips. "We all have to be prepared Carver. None of us might survive this."

Carver relaxed when he realised Alistair wasn't going to fight him. He pulled Alistair flush to him. "Then let's make good use of the time we have left."

Alistair gave him his boyish grin. "I couldn't have put it better myself." Alistair carefully sat up and cupped Carvers cheek with his hand leaning closer. "I love you Carver." His words a soft whisper before caressing his lovers lips in a kiss that deepened until both men were breathless.

**xXx**

Carver woke as he landed on the floor, the breath gushed out of his lungs. He sat up shaking his head taking a moment to figure out where he was. He paled to see Alistair tossing and turning violently; his whole body tense, his muscles strained almost to bursting point as he gave a cry of pain and grief and anger. Carver leapt back onto the bed pulling Alistair into his arms cradling and soothing him gently. He held his lover as he fought against him, talking in low soothing tones about how much he loved him, that he was safe. Carver hated these nights and they were becoming more frequent. The nights when the Archdemon seemed to make it, its personal mission to torture Alistair. He had never spoke of it after that drunken night and Carver had never persisted, but he knew the strain it was putting on him.

Alistair woke with a start; his body aching with the tension, his eyes raw. Carver swallowed hard at the flush of shame that coloured his cheeks. "Just a nightmare." Alistair muttered before turning his back on Carver and laying back down.

Carver lay beside him pressed against his back slowly running his fingers down Alistairs arm until the tension eased, placing soft kisses against the tight muscles of his shoulders until they too yielded to his attention.

"Carver."

Carver smiled at the muffled voice. "Yes Ali."

"Love you."

Carver grinned. "Love you too Ali."

**xXx**

Alistair had called everyone together to run through what would happen, sorting out the teams that would work and defend the crossbows and those who would defend the pass, the only way into the Valley since they had collapsed the tunnels. Marethari and Merrill volunteered to defend the crossbows. Alistair felt his heart pound, concerned about them being in such a direct path of the Archdemon.

Marethari smiled warmly. "Alistair, you cannot expect us to remain at the Peak; we have a right to defend our homeland and should we perish it will be in doing our duty, something you understand well."

"As you wish Keeper, your skills will be a great aid."

Carver noticed the look between Alistair and Merrill, a pain that he did not understand as Merrill turned her gaze back to the map.

Alistair took a deep breath. " Loghain and Howe; you and your men will defend the west side of the pass, Cailan and Bryce you will take the east side." He pointed to the map. "This section of ground before the pass has good coverage. Aedan and Gilmore your companies will take position here to stop anything getting into the valley, we can't let the Archdemon have any backup." He pointed to the crossbows describing the ledges surrounding them. "The elven archers will take position here and put those exploding arrows to good use. Once the Archdemon is wounded Carver and Garrett's smaller teams will break off and head for wherever the Archdemon is landing. Remember; only a Warden can kill it, or all of this will be for nothing."

Loghain scowled at the map. He knew this was their best shot, but he wasn't about to acknowledge it. "And just where will you be during this?" Loghain spat.

Alistair met Loghain's glare with a calmness and confidence he hadn't felt in a long time. "I'll be catching its attention. Don't worry Loghain I'll be in as much danger as everyone else."

Loghain made a huffing noise, but Bryce's hand suddenly gripping his arm stopped any further comment.

Alistair clenched his fists, resting them on the table as he looked to those assembled. "The Archdemon thinks he has us beaten. He thinks he has won and there lies our advantage. We hit him hard, hit him fast and bring the son of a bitch down. We have all suffered losses; we have all paid a terrible price for this war, but here we stand the final line between the Archdemon and the rest of Thedas. I say it stops here. I say no more. Tomorrow we will take back our country! Tomorrow we will prove the might of Ferelden! Tomorrow the Archdemon dies!"

"About damn time!" Serac grinned and gripped Alistair's arm. "We have your back Commander. Tomorrow is a good day to die."

Alistair's look was one of fierce determination. "Yes, it is."

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. _


	13. Duty & Sacrifice

Carver chewed his lip nervously; glancing around wondering where Alistair was. When Carver had woken that morning Alistair was already putting on his armour. He had gripped Alistair so tightly during their parting kiss he wondered if his love was bruised. They had said their goodbyes the night before showing each other with actions rather than words their love for each other and lost themselves momentarily in a bliss so intense they never wanted it to end. He had known Alistair would be leaving before him, to take the first step and call the Archdemon to them. He knew Alistair was using the intense link that had been formed, had used his nightmares to lull the Archdemon to them. His fists clenched when Loghain started.

"Typical that we are on the front line and your beloved Commander is nowhere to be seen." Loghain sniped. "Is he cowering somewhere perhaps, using his injury as an excuse to stay out of the fighting? Face it, like so many others has he led us to be slaughtered!"

"Shut your mouth!" Carver snarled. "You have no idea what he has gone through, what it has cost him to draw the Archdemon to us!"

"Cost him! This foolishness will cost all our lives!"

Carver didn't even process what he was doing before he had Loghain on the ground his fists flying at his face. He was forcibly dragged away, though both realised not before he had landed another blow. "Alistair is doing what needs to be done to get the bloody thing here!" He snarled. "Just do your part and leave us to do ours!"

**xXx**

Alistair pressed himself close to the rock face and took long deep calming breaths. His heart was pounding so fiercely he wondered if it would perhaps give out before his plan was completed. He slowly closed his eyes allowing for a moment his thoughts to linger on Carver. He felt the swell of love he had never imagined was possible and the ache that what he would do would hurt Carver the most. Alistair clenched and unclenched his hands to try and shake out the tremor. _Maker guide my hand. Let my last act mean something. Let me do what must be done without the sacrifice of another._

The Archdemon was close; Alistair could feel the poisonous mind reach out to him, searching for him. He gave a prayer to the Maker that the creature had taken the bait. He eased himself up the rock face knowing he would have to time this perfectly. A sharp pain darted up his spine, Alistair growled and downed the third potion, it had taken two just to get him up the difficult path to the ledge. Alistair shuddered, praying the Archdemon would arrive soon while he still had sense enough to remember what he was supposed to do.

Then he heard it, a roar that echoed throughout the valley, his whole body freezing. He was not afraid of death; nor of the oblivion that would follow, but he was afraid of failing, of Loghain being right about him. He gripped Leliana's daggers in his hands, checked his sword was tightly buckled reassured by the soft blue glow of the additional runes and inched forward to the cliff edge.

**xXx**

A crack like thunder echoed around the valley as the crossbows were fired, one missing the Archdemon by inches, the other finding its target and ripping through one of the wings. The Archdemon gave a roar of rage and banked sharply left; only to be met with a volley of arrows, one grazing its eye. Fire poured from its mouth; but the archers had already dived for cover, the natural crevices in the rock giving them shelter. It was enough time for the crossbows to be loaded again and fired, this time both hitting their target, one embedded in its tail, the other tearing into the stomach. The creature snarled, hitting hard off the mountain, crushing one crossbow and those defending it, screaming for the Darkspawn that were unable to reach it. The tunnels had been cut off and there was only one way into the Valley. The Darkspawn were caught in a natural choke point and screamed in rage as they fell one by one, caught by the arrows rained down on them and the spells that engulfed them in flame. Those that managed to get passed found themselves pitted against a line of deadly warriors and rogues; each determined that no Darkspawn would get passed them. The valley echoed with the clash of steel, the grunts and gasps as swords drove through tainted and untainted flesh alike. The screams of the dying on both sides urged the fighters on, until the ground was sodden with blood and the dead. Despite the ferocity of the battle, the Darkspawn could not gain an advantage and their numbers were dwindling.

Carver and Garrett broke away into smaller groups as they saw the dragon struggling to maintain its height, moving swiftly to get into a position to take down the Archdemon.

"By the Paragons we're going to do it." Serac crowed with delight, before turning at the sound of Anders cry of alarm. Carver following his gaze pain and fear pinning him to the spot. The Archdemon was flying low and a lone figure leapt from a ledge beyond the crossbows onto its back. Loghain glanced up and felt his body turn to ice.

**xXx**

Alistair felt the rush of air as he leapt and as his feet touched scale he drove the daggers deep beneath the dragons armour and held on for dear life as it gave a scream of pain and fury and began to gain height with astonishing speed. It swirled and turned, spinning violently trying to dislodge its unwanted passenger. It was all Alistair could do to hold on. When it finally leveled out he scrambled across its back driving his sword through the thinner membrane where wing and side met. The Archdemon roared in pain as Alistair did the same to the other side, taking them into a forward dive, Alistair jamming his sword between the scales at its neck, grimly holding on, refusing to die until it did.

The Archdemon crunched into the ground; Alistair ripping out his sword, landing badly and rolling from the dragon, his body screaming in protest, crying out in pain as flailing claws dragged down his left side. Breathing heavily Archdemon and Warden Commander assessed each other. Both badly hurt; both bleeding, both determined to kill the other. Alistair drank the final two potions in quick succession as a foggy haze began to descend and the pain increased. He was rewarded with renewed strength; his pain a slight ache in the background, barely noticing the blood of his wounds.

Alistair let out a battle roar and hurtled towards the dragon; sinking to his knees, his momentum keeping him going as he drove his sword into and down its throat. Rolling to one side as it collapsed screeching horribly he took a moment to catch his breath. The wings flapped helplessly, claws pawing at the ground as its blood soaked into the earth.

Alistair held the memories of Carver to him; the man he loved the reason he was doing this, so he would be safe, so he could build a new life. His hands gripped tightly the hilt of his sword. _I love you Carver._ He gave a roar of pain and regret and triumph as he drove his sword through the Archdemon's head, driving it through with all of his strength until the sword sank into the earth beneath.

A brilliant white beam of light burst out of the beast reaching skyward; surrounding Alistair, his skin feeling as though it was burning. He screamed in pain as the Archdemon sought to claim his body for its own. Alistair's eyes widened as he felt himself engulfed in the darkness of the Old God, clinging to who he was before there was an explosion and the light tore through him. Alistair felt himself ripped from his body, the soul of the old god wrapping around his before the force hit them and all that they had been was destroyed.

**xXx**

Silence filled the void the explosion had created, a terrible silence that was broken with an agonised wail as Carver sank to his knees, pulling his love into his arms. "Give him back!" Carver screamed, cursing the Maker in strangled breaths. Cailan and Anders sank to their knees beside him, unable to speak as grief claimed them. Carver wept openly; pressing soft kisses to Alistair lips, lips that would never again kiss him back. "Why you?" He sobbed. "You bloody fool." His voice raising in his anger. "Always doing your damned duty! Why didn't you let me do this one thing for _you_?" He buried his face against Alistair's shoulder, his body shaking violently. "Why wouldn't you let _me _save _you_ for once?" He mumbled through his tears; as his fingers moved through Alistair's hair, pressing their foreheads together. He felt a hand on his shoulder but shrugged it away, clutching Alistair tightly to him.

Merrill knelt beside him, tears slipping down her cheeks. "Dareth shiral, Alistair. May your god hold you close and keep you safe."

Carver glanced at her, his vision blurred with tears. There would be no embrace of the Maker for his love. He had sacrificed everything he was to stop the Archdemon. Carver wept bitterly, he did not even have the comfort of knowing when his own time came he would join Alistair in the afterlife. He felt Garrett's arms wrap around him and he allowed it, knowing his brother was the only other person there that knew just what the sacrifice meant.

"I'm so sorry Carver." Garrett whispered his voice thick with his own tears.

Carver didn't speak; couldn't, simply held onto Alistair's body as Garrett held onto him. It was over, but there was no joy for him. He winced at the cheers of those who saw the dead Archdemon, before the silence fell as they began to realise that Alistair had made the ultimate sacrifice to save them.

**xXx**

Carver stared at the parchment in his hand, the letter that had been on their bed when those who had survived had returned to Soldiers Peak, Garrett supporting him as Serac and his men carried back the broken body of the Warden Commander. He would later find out Merrill had placed the letter on the bed after he had left the room. He didn't bother to try and stop the tears that blurred his vision, unable to read his loves final words to him until the darkness had devoured all but a few threads of gold still lighting the sky. Carver lit a candle; his heart engulfed by the darkness of grief and finally began to read.

_Carver_

_That you are reading this means I have perished, I can only pray that my death has also meant the death of the Archdemon. That being the case know that what I did; had to be done, but know that leaving you was not easy. You brought me such joy in the short time we have had together and it is that love that lights my way now, shields me in my darkest moments and helps me to hold true to what I have to do. _

_I have always strived to fulfil my duty. As Commander it is my duty to slay the Archdemon, but I do this willingly. I would sacrifice my own life without hesitation to ensure you live. I give myself permission in these my last moments to be selfish, I will not let you take the final blow, I cannot let you sacrifice yourself when I can prevent it. I love you Carver; with every breath, with every beat of my heart. _

_I have a favour to ask of you my love. Should there be anything left of my body, please burn me. I cannot bear the thought of whatever remains of me to be encased in a tomb. I lived and died in Ferelden and I do not wish my body to reside elsewhere. I know this is foolish; in taking the final blow I will be forever destroyed, but grant me this one last request. _

_Know that my final thoughts will be of you, think of me kindly. Perhaps when your anger dims you will remember your love of me and at least think of me fondly. _

_Live well Carver _

_My love; my heart, my every breath. _

_Alistair. _

**xXx**

Carver trembled as Alistair's body was placed on the pyre. He swallowed his tears as Loghain approached him.

"I thought those of your order who killed the Archdemons were afforded an honoured tomb at Weisshaupt."

Carver scowled. "Alistair left instructions that he did not wish that. Why are you here Loghain?"

"I have come to pay my respects."

Carver gave him a piercing glare. "Why? You never respected him when he was alive."

"I was wrong. My bitterness and anger blinded me."

Carver turned on him fists clenched, cheeks flushed with rage. "Go tell it to someone who gives a damn!"

Loghain paled and turned, nodding to Howe who clasped his shoulder.

Carver turned back to the pyre grateful when Garrett, Anders and Zevran moved to his side.

Cailan gave a shuddering breath, turning to those gathered. "Alistair never realised the impact he made as Warden Commander. I do not believe he ever truly realised that those under his Command would follow him to the Void if he had asked it. He may have been reluctant at first, but he proved himself more than capable in the role." He stopped struggling to speak. "Damn it …" He raised tear filled eyes and gazed at the pyre. "He was a man of honour, a generous soul with an uncompromising nature. He earned the respect and loyalty of those around him and the world is a poorer place without him." He was startled as Anders moved to his side, gently gripping his shoulder. "Alistair was my brother and I am so proud of him. I should have acknowledged him publically a long time ago." He turned to Anders. "I will not make that mistake again." Anders eyes widened as Cailan gripped his arm. "Forgive me brother."

Most people knew they were brothers, but to have it said publically was an entirely different matter. Anders swallowed. "Cailan you don't need to …."

Cailan pulled him tight, his tears falling. "You are my brother Anders and I am not ashamed, I am grateful."

Anders sank into the embrace, his heart pounding painfully. He felt Zevran's reassuring presence and moved away from his brother accepting the embrace of his lover. Trembling, his vision blurred as Cailan lit the pyre. He felt his legs give way; weeping against Zevran's chest, of all the sacrifices they had made, this one was too much to bear.

Zevran held Anders tight, his own tears flowing unchecked down his cheeks. Words failed him, this grief was too intense for mere words to bring some relief. He remembered Alistair when he had first met him, the flushing, naive young man, who would become a friend he would have given his life for. Zevran swallowed hard. "Journey well my friend. May you find peace."

Aedan felt the burn of tears he refused to shed. He stood firm, fists clenched driving back the debilitating grief that was tearing at his heart. He glanced down as Oren gripped his hand, Oriana softly weeping as Fergus held her. Bryce and Eleanor stood near them, eyes red with tears. Aedan knelt down and felt his resolve crumble as his nephew wrapped his arms around his neck.

"I don't want him to be dead." Oren mumbled.

Aedan struggled to breathe. "I don't want him to be dead either." He hugged Oren closer as the boy sniffed back tears, Aedan finally allowing his to fall. "But we won't forget him."

Oren nodded, pulling back slightly and wiping his sleeve across his eyes. "I'm going to be a knight." His voice trembling slightly.

Aedan smiled, Oriana having told him of Alistair and Oren's conversation. "Alistair will be very proud and so will I."

Sten watched as the flames rose high; his face impassive, but within his chest his heart betrayed him. He was proud of his friend; he had died in battle achieving his goal, but for once that was not enough. Alistair represented more than friendship, more than what humans could be and achieve if they chose. Sten bowed and then moved away from the pyre; he did not linger, there was no need. Alistair had died saving his country and the people he loved; it had been a good death. Yet the pain remained and as he held Asala's hilt he knew he was not the same man to have landed on Ferelden's shores nearly two years ago.

Oghren glared at the flames as though they offended him, he kept up his gruff exterior refusing to acknowledge that Alistair was really gone. He glanced to Serac as he moved to his side. They had lost over half of those who had made it to the Peak, but the fighting wasn't over and Oghren would go where he was needed.

Merrill blinked away the tears and nodded as Ethalis gripped her shoulder. Marethari had not survived the battle and Merrill was now the clan Keeper. Her eyes drifted to the pyre. "May the light always be with you, may the grass always be green beneath your feet and may you walk proudly with the Ancestors. Travel well my friend."

As the flames took hold it was too much and Carver slumped against his brother, not bothering to hide his tears. Alistair was gone and his heart was broken, he was filled with an emptiness and a grief that he felt sure would encompass the remaining days of his life.

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Alistair dying was probably one of the hardest things I have ever written. _

_Dareth shiral - safe journey_


	14. Epilogue

In the weeks that followed the Archdemons death Wardens from Orlais finally arrived in Ferelden along with several hundred Chevaliers. They found a country on its knees. Where once the Brecilian forest had stood there remained only charred tree stumps and smouldering ash. City and village alike were little more than rubble. Ferelden had paid the ultimate price for Thedas's freedom.

The King greeted the group with the bearest of civility, stricken with a grief so deep for those gone and for a country destroyed. Riordan had extended his humblest apologies and through gritted teeth gave the Emperor's sincerest apologies for the delay. Cailan realised Riordan had been as angry and frustrated as he and came to an understanding with the Warden. The next three months were spent destroying every nest of Brood Mothers that remained and routing out the Darkspawn. The cost was more lives, but at least this time not all of them were Ferelden.

The King, Loghain and the remaining Ferelden Wardens were extended an audience with the Emperor. Only when the Brood Mothers were taken care of did Cailan make the trip and it was made with reluctance, Loghain at his side. The Hawke brothers flatly refused, advising Cailan they had business of their own to attend to.

Cailan and Loghain were astonished by the animosity between the Emperor and Anora, learning of her incarceration and inability to help them. The Emperor brushed it off, but too much damage had been done.

The Divine commended their bravery and sacrifice and offered her condolences for the Warden Commander. Loghain remained in Orlais for a time with his daughter. The Chantry allowed her petition of divorce from the Emperor given his actions and inaction during the Blight. After hearing what had happened, Cailan actively supported her request for the divorce. He was the first to greet her when her father brought her back to Soldiers Peak. The affection and love they had felt for each other was rekindled and within the year they were married and expecting their first child, much to the embarrassment of the Emperor. They named their first son of three, Alistair.

The Couslands and Howe's worked together to restore Highever and Amaranthine, setting up perimeter defences and taking back control of the coast, it was a start. With the northernmost section of Ferelden liberated from the Darkspawn some of the refugees who had gone to Kirkwall started to return, working the land and restoring what they could. Southern Ferelden was lost, but Cailan was determined to take back what they could. He had feared that the Emperor of Orlais would attack while they were so vulnerable, but the country was in ruins and not even he had the audacity to launch an assault so soon after a Blight.

**xXx**

Once the final Brood Mother was killed, Carver and Garrett headed for Kirkwall to see if Liandra and Bethany had survived. To their relief they had and were residing with Liandra's brother Gamlen. Their life was not an easy one and Bethany was in constant danger, but she had remained free. The brothers remained there a year before Weisshaupt tracked them down and demanded their presence.

Anders and Zevran had tagged along with Carver and Garrett for want of anything better to do and remained with them for the year, Anders and Bethany setting up a clinic of sorts to support the refuges and injured of the city. Anders fueling his grief into helping others, Zevran remaining by his loves side. The Knight Commander became ever more harsh in her dealings with mages and when Liandra was killed not long after Carver and Garrett left for Weisshaupt, Anders, Zevran and Bethany joined Isabela on her ship and headed for Rivain.

**xXx**

Oghren and the remaining dwarf troops returned to Orzammar, there deep in the earth the fight continued.

Sten returned to his people. He spoke with deep respect of the Warden Commander who had given his life to defeat the Archdemon. Sten would eventually take his place as Arishok and when the Qunari landed on the shores of Tevinter several decades later, Ferelden was left untouched in honour of his friend. Ferelden would not always be apart from their agenda, but only a new Arishok would bring them to Ferelden's borders.

**xXx**

The Hawke brothers spent the next ten years fighting Darkspawn side by side. Carver channelling his grief and anger into the fight against their enemy. Their skill was greatly sought after by each Warden base. The brothers accepted assignments, but would not stay with their fellow Wardens. They felt the Order had abandoned them and Carver never forgave them for the loss of Alistair.

They became nomadic, moving from country to country going wherever the Darkspawn were at their worst. They finally made their way back to Ferelden and it was only when Carver set foot on Ferelden soil once more that he realised his purpose. He would follow in Alistair's footsteps and rebuild the Ferelden Order.

Cailan had allowed no other Wardens to set up a base, mistrusting them, but he trusted Carver. He recruited only those from Ferelden, Riordan having left instructions and supplies for the Joining believing that one day the Hawke's would return, Maker willing. Carver reclaimed the Peak which had been kept in working order, Cailan and his family having returned to Denerim which had been restored. Carver acted to the best of his conscience and when he was in doubt he thought about what Alistair would do and in that he always found his way.

**xXx**

It was twenty years after Alistair's death when Carver left on his Calling. Bearing Alistair's sword and shield he entered the Deep Roads at Orzammar, out of a sense of sentimentality.

Carver gripped the sword tightly; his scarred body eager for this last battle, for the peace that would be the reward. Carver understood duty and sacrifice and thanks to Alistair he had known love. He heard Alistair's words to him, spoken on the morning of his death, as he had cupped his cheek and kissed him one last time.

He faced the dark proudly, Alistair's words tumbling from his lips. "In war, victory. In peace, vigilance. In death, sacrifice."

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Thank you so much for reading this story and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, despite writing chapter 13 in tears. _


End file.
